Thursday, September 4, 2014

#BaitAndPitch Workshop--Twitter Pitches

TWITTER PITCHES

Note: If you’re here looking for fishing tips, you’ve come to the wrong end of the blogosphere.

Okay, this week we are working on TWITTER pitches. That means you are giving us your best 140 characters including your hashtag & Category/Genre abbreviation (info below) and we will give you our communal feedback. Read the full list of rules with all their glorious explanations here

The Rules
Bait and Pitch is open to ALL fiction categories
This is open to manuscripts of any status. 
Bring a friend.
One pitch per week. 
You post, you crit. 
You edit, you critique again.
If you revise, post it as a REPLY to your original pitch. 
Critiques must include AT LEAST one piece of positive feedback. 
Don’t be an asshole. 
If you cross the line, *I* will critique your pitch in a similar manner. K? *grinz*

Formatting Your Pitch

Yes, you MUST use the #BaitPitch hashtag, as you would with any contest. 

NAME: The Wicked Pitch of the East

CATEGORY/GENRE: YA/Fantasy

TITLE: WHERE ARE THOSE WILD THINGS, ANYWAY?

PITCH: #BaitPitch (YA/F)When Max grows up,yada yada yada.Use Twitter/Word to make sure you only have 140 characters or expect the verbal beatdown.

Cheers!


The Wicked Pitch of the East (aka Dannie)






217 comments:

  1. NAME: Kimberly Vanderhorst

    CATEGORY/GENRE: YA/Fantasy

    TITLE: WHAT LIES BETWEEN

    PITCH: #YA-F 17yo Grace craves sanity like some girls crave chocolate, but the goofy guy she's hallucinating is sweeter than Nutella. #BaitPitch

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like some of your other pitches better - this one is cute and quirky but it doesn't clearly layout the stakes for Grace.

      Delete
    2. "sweeter than Nutella" gave me a chuckle. Of course falling for an hallucination is never a good idea - is that the major conflict of the novel?

      Delete
    3. I love the voice here! It's super cute and immediately ingratiates me with Grace. :) Also, the structure of this is nice and neat. I appreciate how you kept sweets a main theme throughout. It makes your pitch read like a tiny, cohesive query letter.

      Unfortunately, I'm not really seeing the conflict of it. Voice is awesome, but stakes are pivotal. I'd revise to include them, myself.

      Good luck! You have an awesome start and killer instinct with your voice. :)

      Delete
    4. This is a super cute way to introduce a character with obvious darker issues. I think it says a lot about Grace's characterization and the novel's voice, which is AWESOME! However, as others have noted, this doesn't give me a sense of stakes. There's a hint of it, in that she wants to be sane, but what happens if she can't be "normal"?

      Delete
    5. Really good voice and setup, but what are the stakes? The sweeter than nutella phrase is great. Love it.

      Delete
    6. Thanks everyone! I do have a habit of going for cute/intrigue rather than stakes with this story. Here's a slightly more stakes-oriented pitch, but I don't know if it's enough:

      #YA-F Monsters in every reflection, a charming dork in her bedroom mirror. Grace must decide if she's plagued by madness or magic. #PitMad

      Delete
    7. I like the new one with the line "a charming dork in her bedroom" but that doesn't make me think he's anything more than a normal guy. Maybe you could put "charming ghost" or whatever he is? Then I think it gives the stakes "madness vs magic" a little something more.

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    8. I'm going to be the voice of dissent and say I like the first one better. It is cutesy, but I actually think your story's premise is clearer there (in a global sense) than in the second one. Having read a few chapters of this, I get the second one, but I'm not sure if agents would, if that makes sense? The word hallucinating in the first one for me is clearer? Not sure if I'm making sense.

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    9. Hi! I like the first one better too because the voice shines through. Considering it's YA, I like the way you juxtapose normal teenage girl cravings with Grace's penchant toward hallucinations. The stakes aren't that clear but it’s really about whether you want to go with voice or stakes/conflict. If I read this I'd want to read more and then hopefully the stakes would be apparent in the query. Hope this helped...all the best :-)

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    10. Argh, someone needs to invent a magic wand that combines Twitter pitches. Try to squeeze in "Monsters in the mirror" into #1 and you're gold, Kim.

      Delete
  2. NAME: Rae Chang

    Category/Genre: NA contemp

    Title: ANYTHING BUT ALIVE

    Pitch: Mari’s superstitious family battles bipolar disorder- what they call la strega- but her zia’s suicide is the war's 1st real casualty #pitmad NA

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love your title and nice strong words in your pitch. My main suggestion would be that this pitch focuses more on Mari's family rather than your MC. Is there a way to switch it around so we know what the stakes are for Mari? The fact that they have a name for the disorder in their family is really cool and it totally works in your long form query. Here, where words are precious, it might be better to focus on Mari, Bi-Polar and her fears in relation to her own mental health following her zia's suicide.

      Delete
    2. I love how much awesome you've snugged into one little pitch. AMAZING. You set up a lot of intrigue and while I don't know from the pitch precisely what the conflict is, the set up of fighting bipolar disorder and grieving for her zia immediately has me feeling for this girl. It could be a TOUCH stronger if there were some way to get Mari's emotion into it, because the language of the pitch has us removed one step from Mari's POV. But I think this is super strong as is and will likely get a lot of attention. Well done! :)

      Delete
    3. Hi, Rae! :)

      I definitely agree with what JC Davis said about how this pitch feels like it's about Mari's family, not Mari herself. If the book does follow them, that's great. If not, you might want to consider rewording things a bit.

      (Also, the wording does imply that Mari's whole family has bipolar disorder. Is that the case, or is it just Mari?)

      I will also give the minor caveat that I had to practice some Google-fu to get what "la strega" and "zia" meant. Without those key phrases, I felt a little stumped, and I'm not sure how many agents without a background in Italian language and culture will take the time to research what those words mean. But at the same time, it very nicely establishes the culture of Mari's family without you having to tell us. There's a definite give and take with such a language choice--which I'm sure you know--but I thought I'd throw it out there for your consideration anyway.

      This is a really strong pitch. :) Good luck!

      Delete
    4. I love that you've managed to get so much culture/bkgrd into this pitch! I'd love to see what impact her zia's suicide has on Mari. It's a family issue, but the novel's told from her POV, so I'd love to see more of her in the pitch. You have conflict. Character. Background. Can you work in Mari's stakes? Is she bi-polar and fearing to follow in her zia's tragic footsteps? Is she dealing with more family members' bi-polar, and can't cope with another death?

      Delete
    5. I also think you pack a crazy amount into this pitch! It's compelling and I'd be intrigued, but I think I agree with @annemariewrites. I was also thrown by "zia" too, but trusted I'd figure it out upon reading.

      Delete
    6. I like it, and having read your long form query, I know exactly what's going on, but I wonder if people would get that Zia is her grandmother. Not sure how you'd fix that though. Otherwise you pack a great deal into a small amount of space. Awesome job.

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    7. Agreed that this feels more about Mari's family, but I do like how much you've packed in such a small amount of space!

      Delete
    8. It's amazing how much you've packed into one line! And love the play on the words 'battle' and 'casualty'...very clever. I was a little confused about 'zia' but having read the comments now know she is Mari's grandmother..maybe just remove 'zia' and put in 'grandmom' or something like that? The Italian background will still come through with the phrase 'la strega'. Overall this is an awesome pitch..well done!

      Delete
    9. Ok, guys, I'm a dork and forgot to put the right pitch. The one I'm actually using is "After a hellish week slams her with a family suicide, miscarriage, and finals, 24YO bipolar Mari doesn't just break. She shatters. #pitmad"

      (Btw, guys, "zia" = "aunt". There is no language where "zia" means anything close to "grandma" :P )

      Delete
    10. I love this, Rae. It's super clear. Character, conflict, stakes. All right there.

      Delete
    11. The actual pitch is a lot stronger (and MC-focused!) than the previous one. I love the blows of "family suicide, miscarriage, and finals," though I'd put finals first unless you're going for the whole "Murder, Rape, and Jaywalking" humor trope ;)

      My rec is try to weasel in la strega somewhere, as it gives that edge in diversity, and more of a hint on how Mari is going to deal with this.

      Delete
  3. NAME: J.C. Davis

    CATEGORY/GENRE: YA Contemporary

    TITLE: CHEESUS WAS HERE

    PITCH:
    Del hasn’t believed in God since her sis died. When Baby Cheesus & other “miracles” turn up, Del needs to prove they’re fake. #PitMad #YA

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love how simple but emotionally charged this is! I think the one thing I'd tweak is to emphasize "needs," but I'm not sure it's possible to do it. Using caps like that in a twitter pitch might be a no-no. :P But it would really hit home how driven Del is. That's a TEENY (ha ha) nitpick though. Love it!

      Delete
    2. I feel like I'm being dense, but I don't get what a Baby Cheesus is. :( Or the other "miracles." My brain might just be having an off night, but I'm feeling totally stumped. Your pitch is so tightly worded and well structured, but my failure to grasp what you mean by Baby Cheese et al. made it super difficult to grasp your stakes despite the overall strength of your pitch.

      Good luck! :)

      Delete
    3. Taylor, I took it as one of those "see the face of Jesus in an everyday object". Like when Finn saw the face of Jesus on his grilled cheese sandwich and started praying to it on Glee. Seeing "God" in unlikely places.

      Delete
    4. Ohh, is that it? That makes a lot of sense! I googled the heck out of the phrase and found nothing that seemed relevant. Thanks for clarifying for me, Kristin! :)

      Delete
    5. I could be wrong but that's my reading of it :)

      Delete
    6. This reminds me of that GLEE episode with the Great Cheesus, so I'm already laughing. I like the humor of this, but I feel like the first sentence directly contradicts the second even with the quotes around miracles. If she doesn't believe in God, why would she feel the need to debunk "miracles"? Where are her personal stakes? Does she find her faith again, somehow, and have to keep her family from falling for these miracles?

      Delete
    7. I love this pitch. It's short and effective. I think the personal stakes are there too: these faux "miracles" are a challenge to her worldview and an insult to her dead sister's memory, so wants to prove them wrong.

      Delete
    8. This is quite snappy. Maybe instead of needs she could go with, must in the second sentence.

      Delete
    9. I totally love this. It's funny, the voice is clear, I would request it. :-)

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    10. I've got nothing. This made me laugh and gave me a clear picture of what your story is about. Great job!

      Delete
    11. I agree with Jessica, replacing needs with must reads stronger in my mind. Otherwise, this is an awesome query...absolutely love the voice! Great job :-)

      Delete
    12. Thanks so much for the suggestions everyone! I've tweaked the query a teeny bit thanks to your excellent feedback.

      Delete
  4. NAME: K. M. Farrell

    CATEGORY: Woman's Fiction

    TITLE: Former Child Star

    PITCH:
    From 12 to 35 Suzy recounts her Hollywood rise, the quick fall, and the life she built afterwards #pitchmad #A

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very snappy! :) I think you could strengthen your language here and there, particularly with "the quick fall" (nitpicky: her sounds a little more natural than the here, for me) and "the life she built." They work, but they're not giving a ton of voice.

      My other concern here--and maybe this is because this isn't my usual cup of tea--is that I don't see much conflict here. It's super hard to do in such a short space, but is there any way you could introduce some stakes to this pitch, even if only briefly? Right now, you're basically saying that a woman is telling a story about her youth. I'd love to see more of a punch to that summary, something to make an agent wonder what happens next, you know?

      Good luck! :)

      Delete
    2. Nice Pitch! Super concise and too the point.

      Two things- what are the stakes for your MC or is this more a fictionalized memoir and thus there really aren't stakes? And I believe the hashtag is #PitMad. You want to be sure all the agents see your awesome query :)

      Delete
    3. This sounds really interesting! I like that we get a sense of the scope of the story from the pitch. I think you could do a little more with it though. Maybe something on a rags to riches to redemption sort of theme? Show us who she was vs. who she is and throw a little Hollywood zing in? :)

      Delete
    4. I've been throwing around the term "fauxmoir" in regards to my manuscript as it is a fictionalized memoir. The stakes are more about looking life right in the eye and taking what comes. I have other tweets I'm working on that touch on that more. But, I wanted to share this one first because I wanted it to be clear that it is a "memoir".

      Delete
    5. I don't read this category, so maybe the pitch is in keeping with the tone of the genre, but it's all very vague to me. The title tells me a lot already, but in the pitch, you don't have the luxury of including the title (140 words is brutal!). Can you focus down on one particular instance in Suzy's life that either kicks off the entire story, or is a turning point in the novel? Hollywood kids who rise to fame and then lose their looks, or gain weight, or get hooked on drugs, or whatever are really fascinating to me ... so I'd probably ask to see the query/first chapter on curiosity alone.

      Delete
    6. I don't normally read this category, but it sounds like an interesting premise! My thought would be: don't give away the ending. Don't let us know your MC recovers from her fall. It lessens the tension and gives us less of a reason to read.

      Delete
    7. What's concerning me a little is how many people have said "I don't read this". You're making me nervous hehe. I was under the impression we could only post one tweet but I see other people sharing more. If people want to see some of my other ones I'll post them.

      Delete
    8. It's quite concise and clear, but what are the stakes? Could you infuse this with a bit more voice?

      Delete
    9. I find it very vague & lacking in stakes. Putting the ages in feels like a waste of characters. I wonder if you could do something like, "A former child star [SOME TEASER OF WHAT PRECIPITATED THE QUICK FALL] and falls from Hollywood grace." Not that, obviously, but give us a specific, a reason it's compelling & unique. We've all heard sad Hollywood child star stories (whether we've read the memoirs or not) - what makes this one a book we've GOT to pick up?

      Delete
    10. Thanks to everyone with your comments.

      Megan, I don't know why I forgot to mention this earlier -- busy day at work I guess. But, getting up after the losing her career isn't the ending -- there's actually more to it than that. Others might disagree with me on this but saying she's built a life afterwards isn't a spoiler but rather a given. When something huge is taken away from you and your life completely changes you have to rebuild inside and out. Of course there is the option of giving up but if she does that the story's over. As I mentioned before -- I do have other tweets I'm working on that touch on some of these other aspects. I'm sure someone else will be willing to tell me how wrong I am ;)

      Delete
  5. NAME: Anne
    CATEGORY/GENRE: YA/UF
    TITLE: THE SERPENT'S COVENANT

    PITCH (trying a different tact from last week): 16yo Cori must save her bro before the Winter Chief kills him. She didn't expect to fall for a guy who controls the dead. #BaitPitch YA/UF

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    Replies
    1. I'm confused about how the dead raising guy connects to the Winter Chief. Is he a minion? Or something else?

      Otherwise, it's nice and succinct!

      Delete
    2. I'm going to echo Megan here is the Winter Chief the guys she falls for? Is he the one that raises the dead? I think you're just missing a transitionary phrase that ties the two together. I also wonder if there's a way to bring some more voice elements into this. Hope this helps.

      Delete
    3. I don't know what the two sentences have to do with each other, and I don't know what a Winter Chief is, so I would pass by this one in confusion. Since you've got YA in there, you don't have to waste characters on 16 yo. What's at stake for Cori? Her brother's death? And what does she lose if she fails - the love of the guy? I just don't understand how the two are connected.

      Delete
    4. LOVE the first line. Clear stakes, the intrigue of me wanting to know more about the Winter Chief. Love! But the second line feels thrown in, and just doesn't matter as much. Why do I care that she didn't expect to fall for someone? UNLESS, falling for a guy who controls the dead is an obstacle to saving her brother? Or maybe the WAY to save the brother? If you can connect the two, this will flow much better. :)

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    5. The first sentence is strong, but in the 2nd, I'm not clear if Cory falls for the Winter Chief or if 'the guy who controls the dead' is someone else. I also think Kimberly makes a great point above about how this ties in with the stakes.

      Delete
    6. Trying something new again ... . This one is vague, and I know that, but I'm trying to be "movie liner".

      Rescue her brother or save the world.
      Trust a stranger and lose her heart.
      Make a choice because summer's fading fast.
      #BaitPitch YA/UF

      (I typed "#BitchPait" twice before getting it right. LOL!)

      Delete
    7. omg we're totally calling it #BitchPait from now on. That's it. WIN.

      Delete
  6. Name: Megan
    Category/Genre: YA/C
    TITLE: CALL ME CAPULET

    I've been reading that having several versions of your pitch for #PitMad is important, so I thought I'd include the ones I've been tinkering with...Feel free to pick one or all depending on your time. I tried to focus on different aspects of the story in each pitch. If you think one is miles above the others, please let me know!

    Pitch 1: A tech theater student dreams of leaving her FL town. A secret romance and a toxic family stand in her way. #YA/C. CALL ME CAPULET. #PitMad

    Pitch 2: Caught between her unreliable dad & her abusive mom, a tech theater student must find the courage to break free. CALL ME CAPULET.#YA #PitMad

    Pitch 3: CALL ME CAPULET. Using a physical relationship to escape her emotional pain, a tech theater student imperils her college dream.#PitMad #YA/C

    Pitch 4: Torn between her college dreams and protecting her siblings, Janey turns to her best friend's crush for comfort. CALL ME CAPULET.#PitMAd #YA

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. P.S. I swear I'm not trying to be greedy/needy. I plan on critiquing as least twice as many pitches as what I've posted!

      Delete
    2. I'm no expert at twitter pitches, but overall you've got character/conflict/stakes, but "tech theater student" reads as clunky and, while I'm sure it's important to the plot, I don't see how here. How does being a theater tech tie into family issues and forbidden romance? Also, I've heard it's important to name your MC in these and you only do that in one of them. I hope this helps and good luck.

      Delete
    3. The first one is the most compelling for me by FAR. Great stakes and clear outlining of the obstacles. Love! I would lose "tech" and just say "theater student" to lose the clunkiness. And unless this is a Romeo and Juliet retelling and that's why you need the title in there, I would lose the title so you have more characters and can spell out "Florida." Otherwise, fabulous! :)

      Delete
    4. I like your first two the best. I'd start off with, "Janey dreams of leaving her hometown..." Maybe tell us her name and only the essentials so you can focus on the hook/stakes. "Tech theatre student" and "FL" seem irrelevent for a twitter pitch. I like what I'm reading overall here and am drawn into your premise! Good luck!

      Delete
    5. I’m going to go against the grain and say that I like Pitch 4 best!
      During WriteOnCon, I participated in the pitch event with Spencer Hill, and the editors said it is important in a Twitter pitch to show why your story is “different” than the others out there…and that they would rather interesting than knowing the plot (how much plot can you really show in 140 characters). On many of the pitches they commented that “this feels familiar” (not a good thing).
      Pitch 1: Doesn’t stand out as unique…other than the title, which someone else mentioned to only keep if it is a Romeo and Juliet retelling, otherwise save the words.
      Pitch 2: Could describe many stories out there (other than the tech theater student part).
      Pitch 3: Same comment as above. (My least fav of the 4)
      Pitch 4: Gives more info, less technical, more personal…and I think “turning to her best friend’s crush for comfort” really demonstrates the hook and stakes…and really makes me want to read it!!! Great job!

      Susan

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    6. 4 is my fav, followed by 3. BUT I'm not sure why "tech theater student" is relevant so maybe use those characters for something else?

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    7. My preference is for #4 -- mostly because it includes the character's name. I think subbing in Janey's name in lieu of 'tech theater student' sort of centers the pitches.

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    8. #4 speaks to me more than the other three. It feels more personal and "real". I'm not sure adding your title helps the pitch—even if this is a R&J retelling (and even less so if this isn't). Make sure you have a space between . & # or the hashtag sometimes doesn't take. Maybe:

      Torn btw college dreams & protecting her siblings, Janey turns to her best friend's crush for comfort in this R&J retelling. #PitMad #YA

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    9. Hi guys! Thanks so much for all your advice. My story is a lose R&J telling...and my protag is building the set for the school production of Romeo and Juliet. I didn't want to just say "theater student" b/c I didn't want folks to think she's an actress...but I agree it is a but clunky. Will have to do some thinking.

      Thank you, thank you, thank you!

      Delete
    10. *Loose. Lol. I'm tired. Darn typos...

      Delete
    11. Yeah I'm going to agree with the latter commentors here. I think #4 gives us the most specificity and conflict. That one I'd request--if for no other reason than I'd be curious if you could make a girl who goes after her bestie's guy likable to me.

      Delete
    12. I like Pitch 1 and Pitch 4. 1 - The stakes are clearer and has more of a 'how is she going to do it' feel. 4 - Great YA voice. It's also more personal because of the mention of her name and brings up a thorny issue (best friend's crush) which people will want to read about. I guess everyone has said enough about the 'tech theater student' bit so I won't mention it again :p All the best!

      Delete
  7. Name: Jessica
    Category/Genre: YA/SF
    TITLE:SILVERBLOOD

    Here's the one that got me stars during SFFpit.

    1. TFIOS meets the Buffyverse with cyborgs, teen angst, frostbite and daddy issues. #Pitmad #YA

    2. When Izzy's sis goes from hospice patient to superhero, she must Nancy Drew out the details or lose her family forever. #Pitmad #YA.

    3.When Izzy's sister makes a stunning recover, she should be happy, but killer zombie cyborgs make that challenging. #Pitmad #YA

    4.Izzy's like Jon Snow when stolen tech saves sick sis. Dealing with deranged cyborgs is bad, but fighting off baddies is worse. #Pitmad #YA

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    Replies
    1. I don't know what "TFIOS" is in reference to, or who John Snow is. Are they Sci-fi things? If they're not, you might want to find a reference in your genre. I like #3 best, because the idea of zombie cyborgs as challenging hints at voice in a good way.

      Delete
    2. TFIOS - The Fault in Our Stars. Jon Snow is a character from the Game of Throne universe.

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    3. TFIOS is the abbreviation for the book The Fault in Our Stars. Trust me, agents know this. Jon Snow is a character from Game of Thrones. There is a famous line, "You know nothing, Jon Snow." agents will get that too. So really one is a contemp reference to my terminal illness narrative element and the other is a popular SFF ref. Both work fine.

      Delete
    4. I would rely less heavily on the comparisons unless they are featured in the MS some how. I like the third one best though don't forget to add the "y" to "recovery". Otherwise they're strong and pull us into the story. I just wonder what else makes your MS unique.

      Delete
    5. Thanks for the info, I swear sometimes I live under a rock. Haven't read Game of Thrones and won't for personal reasons. Heard of The Fault in Our Stars, but drew a blank on the acronym.

      Sorry I wasn't more helpful.

      Delete
    6. I think it's pretty telling that number three is my fav by far, and it's the only one without comps in it. :D I think you need to trust the awesomeness of your story (and it DOES sound awesome) and let it stand on its own. "Discover" should be "discovery." And you could lose "killer" since it's implied. Number 3 is what I call an "intrigue pitch." Which is a good one to have in your rotation. I think you might need to draft a new "stakes pitch" though. What does your character actually have to do? How do these events affect HER? I think Number 2 is your best starting point for that. Having to solve the mystery of how her dying sis suddenly has superpowers or lose her family (maybe specify how they're at risk) is a great hook. :)

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    7. They're at risk b/c the people her dad stole the tech from want it back and are willing to regain it by any means necessary.

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    8. I like #2. "hospice patient to superhero" is very clear. The conflict could be more clear here. Why is her sister turning into a superhero bad? But the stakes are very clear. And great voice!

      Rebecca

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    9. All your pitches do such a great job conveying voice! I'm envious. Well done you! I thought you could perhaps combine a few of the details from the pitches -- the examples below show what I mean:

      When stolen tech turns her sis from hospice patient to superhero, Izzy must Nancy Drew the details or lose her family forever. #Pitmad #YA.

      I also thought including the cyborgs gave the pitch ending a more detailed feel, though this mash up is too long:

      When stolen tech turns her sis from hospice patient to superhero, Izzy must Nancy Drew the details or lose her family to killer cyborgs. #Pitmad #YA.

      Delete
    10. I think your pitches are, to be blunt, kick ass. :) My only concern would be what others have voiced: the TFIOS reference.

      From what I've been reading, it's sort of the kiss of death to compare your story to anyone too big (Green, Collins, Myers, etc). It's one of the reasons I didn't list SPEAK by Laurie Halse Anderson as a comp in my query (even though the voice and style is similar).

      Maybe there's another, less prominent book you can use to comp? Other than that, I find your pitches super compelling. Good luck!

      Delete
    11. Don't be tempted to compare to TFiOS. It is the kiss of death. Love, a writer who has been there. lol
      The writerly world is not ready for a writer who compares their book to TFiOS. I know what you mean (because I was sneaky and snoopy and asked other mentors to send me your query and chps so I could read!) but I think agents seeing that twitter pitch would be like "oh, she thinks she's the next John Green, huh? Foolish minion!" (Because in my head all agents have the evil badlord vibe.)

      Delete
    12. Fair enough. That's the pitch that got me two requests during sffpit, but I know what you mean. I may axe the listing comp one anyway. Are the the rest okay?

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    13. I'm probably going to stick with what I have in my query which is My Sister's Keeper with cyborgs.

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    14. I like Pitch 2 the most. The stakes are clear and your voice shines through! Was smiling at the Nancy Drew reference as it brought up some amazingly nostalgic memories...love how you're conveyed so much about what she must do through that one reference :-) All the best!

      Delete
    15. #2 I like the Nancy Drew. #3 You're missing a y at the end of recovery but otherwise that's strong. #4 I don't get the references so I'll defer to the others on that. I'm not super familiar with MY SISTER'S KEEPER, but I know it enough that I know it makes sense :)

      Delete
  8. NAME: D.R. Perry

    CATEGORY/GENRE: NA/Historical Paranormal

    TITLE: THE CHANGED

    PITCH: #BaitPitch Monster v Mafioso, speakeasy v superstition in 1929. Leo becomes a monster to fight but the Mafia is more dangerous than expected.

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    Replies
    1. I like the "who's the bigger monster" idea. It's an interesting premise and I think you have a good hook

      Delete
    2. I love the concept of a character becoming a monster to fight the mafia! Awesome! The first line of the pitch doesn't carry the same zing as the second though. I would focus on Leo's motivations, and the consequences of failure. What happens if he doesn't defeat the Mafia? Why is he the one who has to do it? You don't have to answer all possible questions in a 140 character pitch, but a little more info could go a long way here. :)

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    3. I like the premise here! I think you could get rid of one of your comparisons and then you'll have more room for more info on the stakes. I like that it's set in 1929! Good luck!

      Delete
    4. New version:
      #BaitPitch #NA Speakeasy v superstition, 1929. Leo becomes a monster to avenge his family but the Mafia is more dangerous than expected.

      Delete
    5. I like the premise and the setting! You're writing about one of my favorite time periods. :) Agree with Kimberly that that it would be great to focus more on Leo and what happens if he doesn't defeat the mafia. Good luck!

      Delete
    6. I like the new version. "to avenge his family" adds a lot! I would swap the order of superstition and speakeasy b/c Leo comes first and Mafia comes second in the second sentence.

      Rebecca

      Delete
    7. This sounds like a great story idea. I agree with Rebecca's comments above -- the 2nd pitch has a stronger hook. Though I like the alliteration, the 'Speakeasy v superstition' didn't really add to the pitch for me. Perhaps 'In 1920, Leo...' then add in a bit more about the stakes?

      Delete
    8. This sounds like a super atmospheric book in a great time period! I like Peggy's suggestion of dropping the first 3 words after the hashtags. You might be able to work in "speakeasy" into the pitch, but superstition is implied with monster.

      In 1929, Leo transforms into a monster to avenge his family, but the Mafia's more dangerous in this speakeasy town. #BaitPitch #NA (10 characters left to play with)

      Delete
    9. Alternatively:

      In 1929, Leo transforms into a monster to avenge his family, but the Mafia controls this speakeasy town. #BaitPitch #NA

      Gives you an additional 24 characters to play with.

      Delete
    10. Thanks for all the feedback everyone! Last version, 128 characters:

      In 1929, Leo becomes a monster to avenge his family, but the Mafioso responsible has plans with monsters in mind. #BaitPitch #NA

      Delete
  9. NAME: Shari Schwarz

    CATEGORY/GENRE: PB

    TITLE: The Cottonwoods

    PITCH:

    Three brothers bash & bang their way to building the treehouse of their dreams, but they must conquer their backyard wilderness first. #BaitPitch PB

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like the alliteration of bash, bang, and building. Sounds like a cute and interesting premise.

      Delete
    2. If you need more character space, you can rephrase to "their dream treehouse". Then maybe you can add a specific element of what they face in the wilderness: "but first must conquer X"

      Delete
    3. This premise is utterly cute. I'd like to know what's in the wilderness that they must face to give me a better sense of stakes. Good luck!

      Delete
    4. This is adorable! I totally agree with Stephsco's suggestions to tighten it up. Otherwise, I think this is just charming. :)

      Delete
    5. Like it! Steph's suggestions are good.

      Delete
    6. This sounds like a fun story. I also thought Steph had good suggestion. Along those lines, I thought you could use a '3' instead of 'three' to gain additional characters and trim out a word or two to give room to include a sample adversary - along the lines of: 3 brothers bash & bang, building the treehouse of their dreams, but first must conquer the XXXXX in their backyard wilderness. #BaitPitch PB

      Delete
    7. I'm just going to cosign Stephanie says here. Unless we know what happens in the wilderness it feels like there isn't really much at stake. But super cute!

      Delete
    8. Thanks everyone for your feedback! I'll rework it...it's so nice when everyone agrees! lol! Great tips. :)

      Delete
    9. Here's my revision:

      3 brothers bash & bang, building their dream treehouse, but they must conquer Eagle and his army of hawks and spying squirrels. #BaitPitch PB

      Delete
  10. NAME: Rachelle E. Morrison

    CATEGORY/GENRE: Adult Urban Fantasy

    TITLE: BLOODBIRD

    PITCH 1: A basilisk soldier turned fugitive is forced to ally w/her clan’s sexy Executioner to hunt down a traitor & clear her name. A/UF #BaitPitch

    PITCH 2: A basilisk soldier turned fugitive allies w/her clan’s sexy Executioner to hunt a spy whose endgame is species eradication. A/UF #BaitPitch

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like them both though the second one has a bit more "oomph" thanks to the line about "species eradication". It tells us that success isn't just important to her but a large group of people. It pushes things up a notch.

      Delete
    2. Is romance a main focus? You might be able to remove "sexy" and squeeze in the species eradication and clearing her name. More stakes for your buck that way.

      Oh, and also the #PitMad guidelines require #PitMad and your category hashtag. In your case, that's #A so you don't have to put in "A/UF" which will also give you more room.

      Love that you have basilisks!

      Delete
    3. I like both of these! I like the "forced" element in the first one, and the "species eradication" in the second. Having trouble picturing a story where the characters are basilisks, but it definitely has the advantage of being unique!

      Delete
    4. Like them both but #2 is clearly better at conveying stakes.

      Delete
    5. Like Kimbery, I was confused about the basilisks. Is the MC a basilisk? Is the sexy executioner one too? But the conflict and stakes are clear.

      Rebecca

      Delete
    6. I liked both but think the 2nd one is stronger. I also like D.R. Perry's suggestion to cut 'sexy' -- if romance isn't the focus -- to give you a few more characters to play with. Wish the stakes in my pitch were are clear as the ones in yours!

      Delete
    7. I also think #2 is stronger, but I like that #1 has clear stakes for the MC. Since the contest lasts all day, I'd use both at different times. :D

      Delete
  11. NAME: Susan Silberman

    CATEGORY/GENRE: YA/Contemporary

    TITLE: NOWHERE TO BELONG

    Orphaned Bailey sucks at lying but hides fights, foster sib invading bed, and sucky foster mom, to survive til bro turns 18. #BaitPitch YA/C



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oops! When I changed my pitch, I accidentally removed the title "PITCH." Sorry!!!

      Delete
    2. This seems strong. You've got your MC, your conflict and the stakes. If I was going to pick at it, I'd love more voice. But how much can you get in 140 characters? I like that at least we know she(?) sucks at lying.

      Rebecca

      Delete
    3. Is it important to include in the pitch that Bailey sucks at lying? If not, you'd save a few characters and be able to tell us a bit more. I may be alone here, but I wanted more about what Baily wants. Like, does she hope to live with her brother once he turns 18? If so, I think stating this goal would be important. The following's 1 character too long, but gives the idea of what I'm trying to say:

      Orphaned Bailey hides fights, foster sib invading bed & sucky foster mom, to survive til bro turns 18 & they can be a family. #BaitPitch YA/C

      Delete
    4. I think the lying is important because it shows conflict for the MC--and it is important to the story. But the "survive until bro turns 18" takes the focus off your main character, which I think is important to avoid in a twitter pitch. It makes it seem like the stakes are for big brother rather than your MC.

      Good YA voice in here with the sucks, but maybe not say it twice in 140 characters? ;P

      Delete
    5. Maybe "Bailey hates lying" would get you some more characters but keep the idea she doesn't want to do it. You could tell us more about her brother that way, and keep the moral conflict.

      Delete
    6. I'd echo what a few others are saying. A little more MC perspective would be great. What's Bailey's challenge? Keeping the crap in her life hidden until her brother turns 18 and punches her ticket out. So maybe something like...

      Orphaned Bailey sucks at lying, but no one can know about the fights, bedroom invasions, and sucky foster mom til her bro turns 18. #PitMad

      Delete
    7. Okay, Here's another try based on all of the AWESOME feedback you all gave me. Please let me know if this helps or hurts! It is exactly 140 characters, so I did some creative "space removal." Do you think this is okay?

      REVISED PITCH:

      Orphan Bailey sucks at lying yet hides fights/foster sib invading bed/icy foster mom to survive til bro’s 18: her ticket out #BaitPitch YA/C

      Thanks!!! Susan

      Delete
  12. Name: Rebecca Smith-Allen
    Category/Genre: MG/Sci Fi
    Title: MASH-UP

    When school gets taken over by a video game, Maxine panics. But when people start to vanish, she knows she has to stop the game. #pitmad #MG

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like it the pitch, the set-ups clear. My one suggestion would be to consider a different word than 'panics'. If a school was taken over by a video game, I think Maxine would have good cause to be fearful. Best wishes!

      Delete
    2. Great idea Peggy. I'm thinking "freaks." And it doesn't even add any characters. Thanks for the help!

      Delete
    3. It feels...unsymmetrical to me? Like if she's freaked, but then she has to be strong. Does that make sense?

      #BaitPitch Maxine panics when her school is taken over by a video game.When people start vanishing,she has to be strong to stop the game. MG

      Delete
    4. I love this! Girl Gamer. Stakes. I'd request. :D

      Delete
    5. I love the concept. My challenge for you is this: make it sound more middle grade. Get some voice in here.

      Delete
  13. NAME: Sarah M.

    CATEGORY/GENRE: YA Contemporary

    TITLE: LEANING TOWARD OPTIMISM

    PITCH: #BaitPitch Dumped on eve of HS graduation, 18yo Ivy swears off guys + hides out on an island. Swoon-worthy Ren might be worth a chance

    AND, this is the one that got me a request from Spencer Hill.

    #BaitPitch ROOMIES meets THE SUMMER I TURNED PRETTY when chubby 18yo Ivy meets hot newcomer Ren after her BF dumps her before college starts

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Sarah! I'm glad someone else I've seen here before is still working on twitter pitches. I stink at this!

      I like number 1. It's got everything. Better-than-usual-in-a-twitter-pitch detail about your MC, conflict and new love interest. Stakes are implied by the fact that she needs to hide out on an island. I haven't read the comps, so don't have a good sense for number 2.

      Rebecca

      Delete
    2. Sorry -- I initially attached my response to a different pitch here!

      I like the first pitch more -- which may say more about what little I know about pitching than it does about your pitch, since it garnered a request. For me, the 1st version lays out the situation with greater clarity -- from Ivy swearing off guys to why she's on an island now. Perhaps make the final line a bit more clear -- if space allows, e.g.: "But swoon-worthy Ren may change her mind' ?

      Delete
    3. Rebecca - Always worth a chance at fine tuning! :) And thanks!
      Peggy! To be fair they didn't see my other pitch idea - not sure how they would have felt about it. I'll give that edit a try - I like it. Thanks!

      Delete
    4. Yes! With all the rewrites I've done on my query, I could rewrite the twitter pitch 100 times and it would still be quicker. Are you doing #pitmad?

      Delete
    5. I am!

      And yeah, I have a ton of drafts :)

      Delete
    6. I feel like I connect more emotionally with the 2nd. But both are clean and effective. Best of luck!

      Delete
    7. Two entirely different approaches...I think both are effective. Subjectively, I like #1 better. If you could tell us a little more than "worth a chance..." it might heighten the stakes. Clumsy example:

      Dumped on the eve of HS grad, 18yo Ivy swears off guys & hides on an island. Hottie Ren might lure her back...if she doesn't die 1st #PitMad

      Delete
    8. #1 is more interesting and voicey, but I'd love it if you could work in that "chubby" somewhere. It gives a new edge to the love story.

      Delete
    9. I like #1 since I'm not familiar with comps in #2, but like the rest of #2. What about a little combo of both...adding in AJ's suggestions...

      Chubby 18 Yo Ivy swears off guys, but New Hottie Ren and a deserted island could change her mind, and her life.

      Good luck!

      Delete
    10. Silvia! I <3 chubby too. It seems to help differentiate it a bit.

      #PitMad Chubby 18yo Ivy swears off guys after a break-up, but swoon-worthy Ren could change her mind, if his secrets don't ruin their plans

      Delete
  14. Name: Shawn Ingram

    Category/Genre: LGBT YA Contemporary

    Title: RIGHT HERE WAITING FOR YOU

    Pitch #1: #PitchMad YA Kat, the angry girl w/ combat boots will do anything to ignore Mom’s death until Renee makes her confront her painful memories.

    Pitch #2: #PitchMad LGBT YA Kat will do anything to not think about Mom’s death until Renee makes her confront all of her painful memories.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think I care about her combat boots so much as why she's angry...though I guess the painful memories part is probably what's up there.

      Is Renee an old friend or a new acquaintance?

      Delete
    2. Hmmm...I like the 1st one better but I think it's important to say LGBT. Also is the hashtag #PitMad or #PitchMad? I think it's #PitMad which gives you a couple more letters, but not sure!

      Delete
    3. I think you're right, Dannie. That gives me two more letters.

      Delete
    4. I wonder if you could combine the best of #1 and #2? Also, YES, two extra letters! Whatever shall you do with yourself?

      Delete
    5. Generally, it's recommended to stick with naming one character, while the others are referred to by their relationships (like "Mom" "BFF," etc). I'm leaning more toward #2, but I wish we could know who/what Renee is to Kat

      Delete
    6. I like the sound of Kat! I agree that you shouldn't name more than two people. I wasn't sure if Renee was her mom or a whole separate person at first. Maybe say, 'her mom's death' or something....or just allude to it as a tragedy if you could tell us more about Renee. Good luck!

      Delete
    7. Modified them a bit to better explain who Renee is and take advantage of the two extra letters. And I tried to combine the two in a third pitch.

      Pitch #1: #PitMad LGBT YA Kat, the angry girl in combat boots does anything to ignore Mom’s death until her gf makes her confront her painful memories

      Pitch #2: #PitMad LGBT YA Kat will do anything to not think about Mom’s death until her first girlfriend makes her confront all her painful memories.

      Pitch #3: #PitMad LGBT YA Kat, the angry girl will do anything to not think about Mom’s death until her gf makes her confront all her painful memories

      Delete
  15. Name: Dannie Morin
    Category: YA Contemporary Retelling
    Title: ARROW & NIGHT

    Pitch 1: #PitMad YA Retelling-17yo"Robyn"Hodé smuggles families from Mexico to US.All’s well until Nottingham aka Mom becomes Director of Immigration

    Pitch 2: #PitMad Retelling @ US/Mex border-"Robyn" Hodé is a 17y.o. smuggler rescuing undocumented families. Nottingham(aka Mom)is Dir of Immigration

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why are we putting quotes on Robyn? I like the first one better, no question.

      #PitMad 17yo Robyn Hodé successfully smuggles families from Mexico to the US. All's well until Mom becomes the Director of Immigration.

      Delete
    2. Her name isn't actually Robyn--it's her middle name. She's got a Latina first name but saying "Dalia Robyn Hode" is what lead to confusion during WriteOnCon. Also why I've gotta say retelling. I didn't say retelling in writeoncon and the editors were like "I feel like we're missing something here." LOL yes, yes you are.

      Delete
    3. This is both topical and a unique way to retell a folk tale. I agree that the " aren't necessary. I see what you did there with Robin Hood's name, and I think agents will too :D I'm not sure the age is needed when you include YA. Just tiny little things to help with 140 characters.

      Robyn Hodé smuggles families across Mex/US border until her mom's (Nottingham) promotion to Dir of Immigration. #YA retelling. #PitMad

      Delete
    4. I agree with Sarah. Love the first one! Character, conflict, stakes...you've got it all. retelling, robyn and nottingham get an amazing amount of info across.

      Rebecca

      Delete
    5. I definitely like the first one better, I feel like I'd understand that one a bit more easily if it came across my Twitter feed. I wonder if you need "aka," though. I'd probably do something like this (assuming it works with the story):

      #PitMad YA Retelling 17yo smuggler “Robyn” Hodé easily helps families cross US border until Nottingham (Mom) becomes Director of Immigration

      Delete
    6. Oh yeah I saw that! I tuned in right in the middle of them discussing it. They were definitely confused. Okay, so retelling, but no quotes maybe? :D

      Delete
    7. Love this idea, and what you've done to her name and switching genders. I think using retelling makes it unnecessary to use quotes. Annemariewrites suggestion is great.

      Delete
    8. I was so mad at myself. My husband and I were literally sitting here smacking our foreheads. So frustrating! lol

      Delete
    9. REWRITE (sorta)

      #PitMad YA Retelling-Robyn Hodé smuggles families from Mexico to the US. All’s well until Mom (Nottingham) becomes Director of Immigration

      Delete
    10. Yes, #1 definitely. I like the rewrite. The "Retelling" kinda throws me in a twitter pitch, but it's probably good for clarity's sake. I haven't counted characters, but "all's well" is a little misleading, right? ;) Then again, you may not have room to say anything along the lines of "Robyn's staying one step ahead of blah blah blah, then Mom...ok, no, definitely not. This is a solid pitch!

      Delete
    11. I like this rewrite! I'd req based on that :D

      Delete
    12. I agree with the other comments, I really prefer Pitch #1 and I like the rewrite down below. Is there a way you can keep the "Nottingham aka Mom" bit? I love the humor in that. It's a subtle twist but perfect.

      Delete
    13. Haha, I remember this from WoC! I agree, I like the rewrite a lot. Doubly agree on trying to squeeze in that "aka Nottingham" bit

      Delete
    14. Try this. Exactly 140 characters:

      YA/Retelling-Robyn Hodé smuggles families from Mexico to the US. All’s well until Nottingham aka mom becomes Director of Immigration.#PitMad

      I agree about keeping the "aka mom" because it adds a little spunk!

      :-) Susan

      Delete
    15. I love this whole concept! I really think you can drop 'retelling' since this is a twitter pitch, and her name and Nottingham both totally indicate that it's a retelling. Good luck!

      Delete
    16. Susan's suggestion is PERFECTION if you ask me. LOVE IT.

      Delete
  16. Name: Rhea Roy Ganguly

    Category/Genre: Adult Suspense

    Title: THE BLUE TAVERN

    Pitch 1 - On a vacation to SF Aisha falls for Neil. But when his past visits her in Delhi, she must choose between her life and her love #pitmad #A

    Pitch 2 - Aisha and Neil think falling in love across continents will be a challenge.The assassin shadowing them puts things in perspective #pitmad #A

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like #1 best- very clean, great stakes.

      See if you can raise the stakes a bit in pitch 2 . Also, you may not need to put the characters names in pitch 2, "Falling in love across continents can be a challenge, but when an assassin shows up love seems easy." or something like that. You would have a few more characters to play with if you took out the names.

      Sounds great. Good luck!

      Delete
    2. I like the first one but I have a question - is she on a world vacation? The second starts off as if it could be a long distance relationship. I'm not quite clear.

      Delete
    3. The first one is kind of vague, but 140 characters is so hard to be specific in XD I'm also confused how SF became Delhi. (Honestly, though, I probably would have requested just because there are assassins.)

      Delete
    4. #2, definitely. The extra detail helps escalate the stakes. I wonder if saving their names until the second sentence might amp up the impact. Something like, "Falling in love across continents is a challenge. The assassin shadowing Aisha and Neil..."

      Delete
    5. Thank for the feedback. It is a long distance relationship. Aisha is from Delhi, Neil from SF. So she meets him in SF on vacation. I like what AJ has suggested...will try playing around with the pitch and will re-post another version. One vibe I'm definitely getting is that the assassin is needed :-)

      Delete
    6. I think SF might give you troubles because SF = sci fi. But #2 is definitely better. No contest. :)

      Delete
    7. I was a bit confused by #1 as well because of the SF. #2 is definitely has a lot more tension, though I'm unsure how an assassin would shadow both of them if they're living in different continents.

      Delete
    8. Here are a couple of revised versions. I know its common but have tried to do a list too. Would love to know which version works better.

      Pitch 1 - Long distance relationships are hard.Being hunted by ruthless assassins does not help. Aisha and Neil’s rocky road to happiness #pitmad #A

      Pitch 2 - Murder, conspiracy, ruthless assassins - not your typical love story. Aisha and Neil’s rocky road to happiness #pitmad #A

      Delete
  17. NAME: Camille

    CATEGORY/GENRE: Picture Book

    TITLE: SQUISHED

    PITCH 1:#PitMad Seymour blasts into outer space to escape his enormous bunny family, but space is lonely. Maybe squished isn't so bad after all.

    PITCH 2 :#PitMad Seymour Bunny is sick of being squished in his enormous bunny family. He needs some space! Outer Space! #PB

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is probably totally me having a REALLY long day and also not being a PB person (though I am a PB purchaser now that I have a 2YO) but with both of these, I was totally picturing enormous bunnies. Like Giant Bunnies. I think you mean he just has a lot of siblings, right? Like I said this is probably just me, but maybe not?

      Delete
    2. No, I worried about it sounding like enormous bunnies stomping on him, but you are right it is just lots of siblings.

      Delete
    3. Both of these pitches are ridiculously adorable. I'd make sure to add the #PB tag to the first pitch, though.

      Delete
    4. This is adorable! I like Pitch 1 more but maybe you could replace enormous with large? It probably conveys quantity better as opposed to size? Also you can think about adding 'being' before squished and remove 'after all' to make up for characters...without that I was a little confused...thought squished was a place rather than a way of existing :-) Sounds really good...all the best!

      Delete
    5. I knew what you meant with enormous - I pictured Babs looking after her siblings on Tiny Toons Adventures. But, maybe plentiful, populous, or crowded would fit better.

      Delete
    6. For my money, it's #1. But "squished" is throwing me a little...maybe "crowded?" Or something else to clarify that he's not running the risk of being flattened. And...glancing up, I see that others have already said this. Let's see. Maybe "multiplying" bunny family? That would add a little action to the pitch.

      Delete
    7. Yeah, I'm getting ginormous bunnies rather than lots of sibs out of this. It's super cute, but I'm not sure that's what you're going for.

      Delete
    8. I would totally read a book about a bunny in space!

      Yes, I do still check out cute PBs for my kid even though she's almost 8 :D

      Delete
    9. Thanks for all the suggestions, they are great, and so helpful.

      Here's the new and (hopefully) improved...

      #PitMad Seymour blasts into outer space to escape his multiplying bunny family, but space is lonely. Maybe being squished isn't so bad. #PB

      Delete
    10. Love it!

      Maybe just "Seymour Bunny blasts into outer space to escape his multiplying family..." just so we see right away that he's a bunny?

      Delete
  18. NAME: AJ
    CATEGORY: MG Fantasy
    TITLE: DARK SKY'S ASHES

    PITCH #1: When Conley accidentally frees a killer dragon, he has to master dragon warfare before Kansas City burns. So long, summer break.

    PITCH #2: When Conley frees a killer dragon, the world’s deadliest secret society is his one hope. Hi, dragon warfare. So long, summer break.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. #1, no contest. And it fits perfect!

      #PitMad When Conley accidentally frees a killer dragon, he has to master dragon warfare before Kansas City burns. So long, summer break. #MG

      Delete
    2. I'm voting for #1 as well--the second one sounds like the MC is handing the job over to another person. And you want to keep that ref to Kansas City.

      Delete
    3. #1 Is ready to go, just add your #MG. You could also eliminate "so long summer break" to add in the root beer thing Dannie mentioned.

      Good luck, it sounds great!

      Delete
    4. Definitely #1 and I wouldn't change a single word. It's a killer pitch!

      Delete
  19. I think I like the 1st better. You're going to think I'm nuts but is there any way to incorporate the root beer thing? For me that's like classic MG quirkiness. Just an idea though

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Like #1 way more. It's clearer and has good voice. Do remember to add all the hashtags and category/genre bits though..specially since Conley doesn't have an age here so 'summer break' could pass as something for YA too... small things but these hashtags count toward your 140 characters so its good to keep that in mind. Great job with the pitch!

      Delete
    2. Thanks for helping me narrow it down, guys! Great comment. And then there's...

      Dannie, Dannie, Dannie. *SMH* Ok, that's actually a brilliant idea. How about something like this:

      #PitMad When his kid bro's spilled root beer resurrects a killer dragon, Conley has to master dragon warfare before Kansas City burns. #MG

      The only thing that bothers me is the double "dragon."

      Delete
    3. I think it's great. Root beer addition totally adds to it. I didn't notice the double dragon on first read through.

      Delete
    4. I agree with Camille. I didn't notice it till you pointed it out, and the root beer really adds something. Dannie's totally right about that. :)

      Delete
    5. I did notice the double dragon, but I'm not sure how to get around it. And I think if you tried to reword another way it wouldn't be as clear what your MC must do. So I'd keep it.

      The only suggestion I might have is a small rephrase: When his kid bro spills root beer & resurrects a killer dragon (I think it's the same number of characters?) Conley must master dragon warfare before Kansas City burns.

      This actually gives you about 8 additional characters to play with if you do decide to rephrase 1 of the dragons

      Delete
  20. NAME: Silvia Park

    CATEGORY/GENRE: YA Fantasy

    TITLE: THE DRAGON'S PEARL

    PITCH #1: When 15yo Misha releases a dragon, she must unmask his human disguise before he kills again in modern-day South Korea #PitMad #YA Fantasy

    PITCH #2: 15yo chess prodigy Misha must hunt the dragon she kinda released through anti-magic South Korea before he kills again #PitMad #YA Fantasy

    PITCH #3: An illegal pawnshop for monsters. A dragon loose in anti-magic South Korea. Misha must find the dragon she unleashed before he kills again.

    #3 was for the funsie cuz people said it's good to mix it up. I don't think I'm good at lists.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I read in a single post somewhere else that lists are bad and good. I think if lots of people are doing lists, you're supposed to avoid them, otherwise go for it.

      I like #1, but I like that she's a chess prodigy.

      #PitMad When 15yo chess prodigy Misha releases a dragon, she must unmask his human disguise before he kills again in modern day S Korea #YA

      Delete
    2. I think #1 is the clearest, but I like some of the elements in #3. I'd use them both on pitmad. #2 is a little muddled. Good luck!

      Delete
    3. See, I actually like the list. The 3rd one was my favorite. The dragon disguised as a human in the first one took me a minute to understand. In the 2nd one I'd consider replacing "through" with "in". I feel like it flows better and makes a little more sense to an unfamiliar reader that way.

      Delete