TWITTER PITCHES
Note: If you’re here looking for fishing tips, you’ve come to the wrong end of the blogosphere.
Okay, this week we are working on TWITTER pitches. That means you are giving us your best 140 characters including your hashtag & Category/Genre abbreviation (info below) and we will give you our communal feedback. Read the full list of rules with all their glorious explanations here.
The Rules
Bait and Pitch is open to ALL fiction categories.
This is open to manuscripts of any status.
Bring a friend.
Bring a friend.
One pitch per week.
You post, you crit.
You edit, you critique again.
If you revise, post it as a REPLY to your original pitch.
Critiques must include AT LEAST one piece of positive feedback.
Don’t be an asshole.
If you cross the line, *I* will critique your pitch in a similar manner. K? *grinz*
Formatting Your Pitch
Yes, you MUST use the #BaitPitch hashtag, as you would with any contest.
NAME: The Wicked Pitch of the East
CATEGORY/GENRE: YA/Fantasy
TITLE: WHERE ARE THOSE WILD THINGS, ANYWAY?
PITCH: #BaitPitch (YA/F)When Max grows up,yada yada yada.Use Twitter/Word to make sure you only have 140 characters or expect the verbal beatdown.
Cheers!
The Wicked Pitch of the East (aka Dannie)
I'll be the guinea pig!
ReplyDeleteNAME: Marty Mayberry
CATEGORY/GENRE: YA/Science Fiction Thriller
TITLE: PHOENIX RISING
PITCH: #BaitPitch 16yo Lesha’s stranded in a desert with 17 spaceship crash survivors on a distant planet. Lord of the Flies meets Predator YAScifi
Sounds creepy and good! I like your pitch! I'd want to read more after that. I might put the genre to the front of your pitch, so the agents can see it right away. :)
DeleteIs there any way to include the stakes a little more? Are they hiding from predators or each other?
Thank you so much for your comments! The answer is both. That's where the Lord of the Flies reference comes in.
DeleteI have been reading this over and over, and I can't find a way to make it any better than it is. You've nailed it! I don't usually read SciFi, but the idea of a female lead in this story would lead me to read more.
DeleteMy only suggestion is maybe cut one of the location references -- 'desert' or 'on a distant planet'. Choose the one that's most important then have a few characters to give us a bit more. Sounds like a gripping premise.
DeleteAnd a re-do, based on all your great suggestions:
Delete#BaitPitch YAScifi 16yo Lesha & 17 spaceship crash survivors must evade a desert hunter on a distant planet Lord of the Flies meets Predator
Hi, I like your revised pitch. It adds to the stakes. The comps help. If you don't need the number '17', you could delete it (unless the number of survivors is significant). It's distracting a bit, especially after '16yo Lesha'. And maybe use 'vicious' instead of 'desert'. The 'distant planet' gives us the location. Best of luck!
DeleteI was just about to say what Suja said. The two numbers close together is a little wonky. Otherwise nice concise pitch! Another way to maybe tighten is to reorder what you've got here-- When their spaceship crashes on a desert planet 16 yr old Lesha & other survivors must evaded a hunter--Lord of the Flies meets Predator.
DeleteThank you, Dannie! That works great.
DeleteI can't think of anything for you to add. Looks fantastic.
DeleteI think with Dannie's final suggestions, you've got it! :)
DeleteI'd love some help! :)
ReplyDeleteNAME: Krista McLaughlin
CATEGORY/GENRE: YA/Contemporary Romance
TITLE: SILENT BEAUTY
PITCH: #BaitPitch (YA/CR) 32k. Alanna's deaf; Jared's a geek. Their secrets bind them, but love might free them. Beauty and the Beast retelling.
You had me at Beauty and the Beast, my favorite Disney story, so if I was an agent, I'd request pages. I'm not sure where the stakes are with someone deaf, the other a geek, though. Although I'll freely admit it's difficult getting a plot, let alone stakes into a 140 character pitch. My other concern is the 32K. Is this a novella?
ReplyDeleteThank you for your input! This is a novella actually. I checked with Brenda Drake to see if novellas were allowed and they are. :) I'm hoping a small publishing house will like it. I wanted to put the word count into the pitch so the agent knows it is a novella up front.
DeleteGreat idea. I like novellas myself. Short and sweet.
DeleteThis sounds intriguing, and has elements that would have me reading more. I'm not sure though if the secrets mentioned in your second sentence are related to the first sentence, or entirely different. I wouldn't consider deafness or being a geek to be particularly secretive... Could you change it to "They also have secrets that bind them, ..."?
DeleteI don't have any suggestions on how to do it in such a short # of characters, but can you tell us if they share a secret which binds them -- or each has their separate secret they are trying to conceal?
DeleteGreat suggestions! How about this:
Delete#BaitPitch (YA/CR) 32k. Alanna's deaf; Jared's a geek. Both conceal secrets, love breaks them wide open. Beauty and the Beast retelling.
I love retellings :) I guess my question here would be this: When I read that first sentence, it seems like the deafness and the geek part is the main issue. Then you move on to the next sentence and it seems sort of disconnected. What does the secrets have to do with their respective characteristics? If the deafness and geek part is just used as identifying features, and the secrets are the main issue, then I'd suggest shifting the focus. Maybe something like -
DeleteDeaf Alana and geeky Jared conceal secrets which could threaten their love (if that's what you're going for) This is just a suggestion. Best of luck :)
I like that WAY better. "love breaks them wide open" is so incredibly fairy tale and big. Perfect!
DeleteI love the "love breaks them wide open", too. My concern is that you're not giving us enough specificity in the conflict. Being deaf doesn't directly conflict with being a geek. "Both conceal secrets" doesn't really tell me enough to be worth the word count you use on it, if that makes sense?
DeleteI'm glad you guys like the "love breaks them wide open" - I like it too. :)
DeleteHere's another attempt - narrowing the conflict a little more and connecting them:
#BaitPitch (YA/CR) 32k. Alanna's deaf; Jared's a geek. Both are mercilessly bullied, love breaks their hearts open. Beauty & Beast retelling.
Sounds like a great read. Maybe...shut down by bullies, love....
DeleteOkay, we're getting closer. the "both are mercilessly bullied part feels sort of meh to me. First because bullying is sort of merciless as a general principle, and also avoid adverbage. I think a question that might arise is --how is this a retelling? Are we talking magical rose and sorceress? So maybe use those 20ish characters to give us some retelling element.
DeleteLol, okay! Trying again. :) Does this help at all?
Delete#BaitPitch (YA/CR) 32k. Alanna's deaf; Jared's a geek. She has to open her heart to him before true love wilts. Beauty & Beast retelling.
Ooh, I like this last one the best because it defines the Beauty and the Beast characters. I found it hard to determine how the retelling related to the characters in the previous attempts, but this is much more informative. Nice job!
DeleteNAME: Jillian B. Paige
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: NA/Romance
TITLE: The Last Bitter Word
PITCH: #BaitPitch (NA/R) Mara funds a fresh start with stolen $. Caught btw 2 heroes, she must face the lies she’s told & the man hunting her down.
I'm hardly an expert on pitches, but I love this. We know what Mara did, we get a hint at the love triangle and know someone's hunting her. I'd ask for more.
DeleteI'm with Peggy, great pitch. I can't suggest any way to improve it.
DeleteMy only concern is that BTW=by the way on Twitter. When I read this quickly, it didn't make sense to me, as a consequence. Trying to think of how to rephrase...?
DeleteWould it work to cut the 'down' from 'hunting her down' and spell out 'between'?
DeleteI tried "Inbetween" but that took the words and put a whole new spin on the mental image :) How's this:
Delete#writeoncon NA/CR Mara funds a fresh start with stolen $. Caught between two heroes, she must face her lies & the man hunting her down.
I think you can do b/w for between. I like this a lot too!
DeleteI like the revision! I'd read it.
DeleteHere goes...
ReplyDeleteNAME: Peggy Rothschild
CATEGORY/GENRE: YA Contemporary
TITLE: PUNISHMENT SUMMER
PITCH: #BaitPitch Sent to Grandpa’s for the summer, 16yo Nicki encounters pot fields, armed men, a kidnapped girl—& faces down a killer. (YA/C 66K)
Yes! This is just right. Punishment Summer is a harsh title, but it sounds like a harsh story. I'd read this for sure!
DeleteThis definitely sounds like a page turner! I think you've got a great pitch here!
DeleteGreat title! I love how you build the intrigue with such a short pitch. All the best.
DeleteI like everything from 16yo forward. The first phrase feels sort of vanilla to me. Any way to heighten the stakes or conflict with the wording there?
DeleteOne way to increase the stakes might be by showing why Nicki has to be the person facing the killer. Is the kidnapped girl connected to her? Or do the pot fields threaten the grandpa's farm / livelihood? Showing this might make the stakes more evident.
DeleteWhile I don't think this shows the stakes better, I wondered if this change helps (I'll keep puzzling out punching up the stakes).
Delete#BaitPitch Sent to Grandpa’s to ‘grow up’, 16yo Nicki encounters pot fields, armed men, a kidnapped girl—& faces down a killer. (YA/C 66K)
I like your new first sentence better. For punctuation, I think it should be...
DeleteSent to Grandpa's to 'grow up,' 16yo...
NAME: Suja Sukumar
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: YA Contemporary
PITCH: #BaitPitch YA/C Personal loss forces two teens who are temperamental and cultural opposites to form an alliance to trap a killer.
I like the idea of two seemingly dissimilar characters working together. I wondered if the 'personal losses' are linked -- meaning, did the killer they want to trap cause both of their losses? Also, is it vital we know what type of opposites they are in the pitch? (I really don't know, but if you need more characters to flesh out the pitch, would it work to simply say 'two teens who are opposites'?). This sounds like the type of read I'd enjoy.
DeleteI like the idea of teens trapping a killer! I just finished a fun YA C where teens were spies, sort of. It was great, and this reminds me of that. I second what Peggy said. It's so hard to do in a short pitch. Shared loss... Maybe. And in a short pitch opposites may be enough so you could add another detail.
DeleteI feel like you're doing your story a disservice by not being more specific here. What cultures? I think you can do without the temperamental and focus more onn the specific conflict/loss because (at least for me) that's where the uniqueness in your story lies.
DeleteSounds like a good concept! But I'm curious about who the character is. A name? Draw the reader to the story and not just the premise. :)
DeleteI like the premise of this, but I wonder how they're temperamental and cultural opposites. Is there a way to say what their cultures are rather than tell us they're opposites?
ReplyDeleteNAME: Brandon Brown
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: A/Paranormal
TITLE: DreamWalker
PITCH: Even as a blind, psychic, vampire Leah can see everything. Everything, but the truth of her dreams. (A/PN) #BaitPitch
While I find the whole idea of a blind, psychic vampire very intriguing, I'm a little confused about the world Leah lives in. Any way to give us a hint? Does she lay, sleeping, dreaming, seeing the truth? And how does being a vampire come into the mix? I guess it's good you got me thinking. LOL.
DeleteI agree with Martha. I do like the idea of being blind, yet all-seeing. Also, you might want to give us a hint about what's so intriguing about her dreams. If there's something threatening in her dreams, then hinting at that will show us the stakes, something like, she can see everything but the danger hidden in her dreams. Interesting idea! Best of luck :)
DeleteI'm going to sound like an echo here. I also like the idea of a protagonist who is blind yet all-seeing, but I'm not clear how her being a vampire figures in the mix. I like Suja's suggestion to hint at the threat within her dreams to ratchet up the tension.
DeleteHow about this revision:
DeleteAs a blind, psychic, vampire Leah can see everything. Everything, but the link to her dreams & the vampire stalking her. (A/PN) #BaitPitch
I like the change, but wonder if this would work. I really liked the phrase "truth of her dreams" and was sorry to see it disappear...
DeleteAs a blind, psychic, vampire Leah can see everything. Everything, but the truth of her dreams & the vampire stalking her. (A/PN) #BaitPitch
I'm trying to play around with the first half of your pitch so that the irony of being a blind psychic is more obvious to an agent skimming the twitter feed. Because I feel like that's your unique hook. What about something along the lines of:
Delete(A/PN)Leah,a psychic vampire,is all-seeing despite blindness.She must find the link between her dreams &the vampire stalking her. #BaitPitch ?
So interesting. Have you considered leaving out the first comma to read... Blind psychic, vampire Leah. Emphasizes that contrast b/t blind and psychic and describes Leah as the vampire she is. Just a thought.
DeleteJillian I like your revision but do you suppose someone reading it without the context of the original would think Leah can't see the vampire?
DeleteA big part of the MS are these dreams Leah is having of the antagonist she hasn't actually met yet. Which word makes that clearer: 'truth' or 'link'?
Sherry: last week I posted and someone suggested the commas, it wasn't in my original pitch. I'm partial to no commas myself.
DeleteDannie I like your revision, it hits all the major points. (I also like how you removed extra spaces to squeeze 140)
Thanks so much for your comments everyone. I'm open to all your suggestions, which would make you ask for more?
NAME: Katie Teller
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: NA Historical Romance
TITLE: A Heart Divided (It sucks, so suggestions are so welcome!)
PITCH: #BaitPitch NA Hist Rom. Falling For Pete would be fine if he were white. But Ginny can't help being drawn to him, despite the looming KKK
Oh! I love the premise of this. You call it historical. What era do Pete and Ginny live in? Any way to fit it in here? And sorry, I'm bad with titles.
DeleteI would love to read this! I can sense the danger here. You could add a hint of what makes this unique, compared to other doomed love books set during segregation. For example, if Ginny had some family member who favors the KKK? Just a suggestion.
DeleteI'm bad at titles, too. I'll think about it and come back fi I find something.
I also want a hint at the era -- the KKKs been around such a long time. But the stakes are immediately clear. Perhaps if you could bring the threat of the KKK closer in the pitch?
DeleteSounds like a great story. It would be great to know era. Hard to suggest title without more. My immediate thought was danger and risk for both, so high stakes here. Just an idea, would something with bloodline, or something like that, work for a title? If it's the era it seems to be, it was all about the bloodline when it came to affairs of the heart. That's also symbolic of the blood spilled during that era
DeleteThis is so intriguing! I hate to sound like a broken record, but a hint at era would be awesome! Also ^ if you could work Bloodline in that would make for a cool title!
DeleteYeah my instant question is, what era are we talking? Because the 1960s is what I'm thinking with KKK but maybe not? With historical, some agents are specifically interested in certain eras. Whatever specificity you can include will help pique interest. Love the concept!
DeleteI agree with Emily - I like Bloodline! :) And tighten the premise a little bit. It sounds great! :)
DeleteOkay, let's try this:
Delete#BaitPitch NA Hist Rom. Falling for Pete in 1920's Georgia would be fine if he were white. Despite the looming KKK, Ginny can't resist him.
Good stuff, girl!
DeleteGot it now!
DeleteNAME: The Wicked Pitch of the East
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: YA/Fantasy
TITLE: DARK CORE
PITCH: Reincarnation's a bigger bitch than the goddess hell-bent on killing Saekina, but this time, she might be out of lives. #BaitPitch (YA/F)
*facepalm* ignore the name part.
DeleteSo, I think this needs some tightening. Why is reincarnation a bitch exactly? Maybe give us some hint on the tension between Saekina and the goddess, and the stakes regarding how she will lose without the reincarnation. It's so hard in 130 characters, but you can do it!
DeleteWhat Katie said :) Be as specific as you can. Quirky is good in a longer pitch (like a 35-word contest pitch) but with only 130ish characters, it's really important to get across who your MC is and what's at stake.
DeleteI agree with Katie and Dannie! Give us a little more tight info to help us understand the pitch a little better. I do like the line reincarnation is a bitch. :)
DeleteI love the idea and the voice, but am slightly confused. Is there any way we could get a little more on what the setting is? I agree with the above comments. Sounds like something I'd like to read though! :-)
DeleteNAME: Sherry Howard
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: YA Contemporary
TITLE: Coach Hart's Fumble
PITCH: #BaitPitch (YA/C) Hunter needs his promised college scholarship and only Coach can pull the strings to get it. He must expose Coach or risk a friend's life.
This is interesting! What does he have to expose? I know it's so rough in 140 characters but the stakes/concept isn't quite clear to me from this pitch.
DeleteThe first sentence is strong. The second one feels more like telling than showing. This is 1 character over, but maybe raises the stakes a little?
Delete#BaitPitch (YA/C) Hunter needs a promised scholarship & only Coach can pull the strings. He must choose-expose Coach or risk a friend's life.
I feel like something super important is missing here--what sport? I'm guessing football from title, but agents won't see that in a twitter pitch. I think you can omit college b/c scholarship is most often college so it will probably be assumed.
DeleteGreat premise! Just needs some tightening. Suggestion -
DeleteHunter's college scholarship depends on Coach pulling the required strings.
And being a little clearer with the stakes. Best of luck!
I think it you clarify the stakes a little, it will be a good pitch! Give it away a little bit to entice an agent. :)
DeleteSo yes, I'm going to ask it as well, what is he exposing? You don't have to say what exactly, but in the first sentence it sounds like he's the good guy helping out. The sentences contradict each other. :-)
DeleteNAME: Emily Herring Dunn
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: YA Contempirary
TITLE: MISSING
PITCH:
Annie's best friend goes from missing to murdered, forcing her to prove her innocence and try to catch the killer.(YA/C 86k) #BaitPitch
Yay for phone typos! CONTEMPORARY ;)
DeleteI love the first phrase. Maybe clarify that Annie's the suspect? Suggestion -
DeleteAnnie's best friend goes from missing to murdered & she's the suspect. To prove her innocence, she has to catch the killer.
my first thought was "are we sure this is contemporary and not a thriller?" because it sounds like a thriller. I'm feeling a disconnect between the murder and your MC's innocence? Is there some way to include that aspect? Suja's suggestion makes sense, I think. Nice stakes though!
DeleteI love the start of it! I think you might be able to tighten the end of it a little bit. Does she witness something or known the killer? You can add some more tension. Other than that, I really like it! :)
DeleteI agree. With the murder and solving it, it does sound more like a thriller. But mostly, I want to know why this is unique. We need some voice somehow. As it is, it could be any who done it type story. I think some of the earlier comments made some great suggestions to help with this. Your MC really needs to shine out so this can be unique.
DeleteI may be late (I'm in a time zone far, far away), and if so, please ignore!
ReplyDeleteNAME: Tiffany Parks
CATEGORY/GENRE: MG Mystery
TITLE: BEATRICE AND THE LEGEND OF THE TURTLE FOUNTAIN
PITCH: (MG/M) In Rome, 12yo Beatrice must follow clues in a 400yo diary & navigate ancient ruins to save a stolen Bernini masterpiece. #BaitPitch
I would've eaten this type of story up as a kid. This may be completely wrong-headed, but I thought you might want to reorder the info and start with the protagonist '12ho Beatrice must....:& navigate ancient Roman ruins to save...' For me (a former art major), saving a Bernini is stakes enough, but I wondered what the stakes are for Beatrice -- like, what does Beatrice risk taking this action? This sounds like a fun read to me.
DeleteThanks so much Peggy! I like your idea of inserting Rome into the middle of the pitch, but I'm not sure just saying "Roman ruins" makes it clear. There are Roman ruins all over Europe and I want to be really clear that the book takes place in Rome. As far as stakes, you've hit the nail on the head. Stakes is something I have struggled with more than anything else on this book. I too am an art lover, and for me saving a piece of art is enough, but I worry that you are right, that to kids it might not seem important. I think in the book, I succeed in making my reader care as much as my MC does, but to get that to come across in 140 characters (or even a full-length query) is not easy! I'll go back to the drawing board with your comment in mind. Thank you!
DeleteI know nothing about art so I have to confess I didn't know who Bernini was. Maybe a more specific word than "masterpiece" would help define the item-- painting, sculpture, bust? I think "in a 400 yo diary" is a little clunky. Maybe you could say who the diary belongs to, like Bernini's diary? Also, you could change "must follow" to "follows" to save a few precious keystrokes. I agree that this sounds like a really fun read!
DeleteName: Sarah M.
ReplyDeleteCategory/Genre: YA Contemporary
Title: LEANING TOWARD OPTIMISM
Pitch: #BaitPitch YA 18yo Ivy dumped by BF before following him to college. Spends summer on island, but a new guy=temptation that's hard to refuse
I like "new guy=temptation" I think that is a cool and short way to give a ton of information! I think you could cut "that's hard to refuse" as the word temptation gives us a pretty good mental picture. Can't wait to see what you come up with next!
DeleteI can see the setup here: dumped by BF but they're going away to the same college. That's a good premise and easy to pick up on. I think I'd try to get the central problem into one phrase. "Summer on the island brings....." or "Summer on the island is going to change...." and in that, maybe even focus on which is the strongest theme: the romance, the coming-of-age, etc.
ReplyDeleteHope this helps.
Thanks! I'll work with it :)
DeleteNAME: Janelle Fila
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: YA/Contemporary
TITLE: Forgiveness
PITCH: #BaitPitch As a Russian, Tess is hated. Her American crush loves her gay best friend. Tensions = violence. The Outsiders meets Sopranos.
Cheers!
The Wicked Pitch of the East (aka Dannie)