TWITTER PITCHES
Note: If you’re here looking for fishing tips, you’ve come to the wrong end of the blogosphere.
Okay, this week we are working on TWITTER pitches. That means you are giving us your best 140 characters including your hashtag & Category/Genre abbreviation (info below) and we will give you our communal feedback. Read the full list of rules with all their glorious explanations here.
The Rules
Bait and Pitch is open to ALL fiction categories.
This is open to manuscripts of any status.
One pitch per week.
You post, you crit.
You edit, you critique again.
If you revise, post it as a REPLY to your original pitch.
Critiques must include AT LEAST one piece of positive feedback.
Don’t be an asshole.
If you cross the line, *I* will critique your pitch in a similar manner. K? *grinz*
Formatting Your Pitch
Yes, you MUST use the #BaitPitch hashtag, as you would with any contest.
NAME: The Wicked Pitch of the East
CATEGORY/GENRE: YA/Fantasy
TITLE: WHERE ARE THOSE WILD THINGS, ANYWAY?
PITCH: #BaitPitch (YA/F)When Max grows up,yada yada yada.Use Twitter/Word to make sure you only have 140 characters or expect the verbal beatdown.
Cheers!
The Wicked Pitch of the East (aka Dannie)
NAME: Ashley Hearn
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: YA/Urban Fantasy
TITLE: The Book of Adam: Descent
PITCH: SMALLVILLE + BEAUTIFUL CREATURES. After Mama makes 16yo Adam immortal, he must find the stone she used to curse him—or go to Hell #BaitPitch
You did a good job of including the setup and consequences. However, I've heard mixed messages about using comps in pitches (the SMALLVILLE + BEAUTIFUL CREATURES). In this case I don't think it's needed and it takes a lot of characters that could be used for specifics.
DeleteWhat you missed is the Category/Genre. I can guess the genre but I would like to know the age group. I would guess YA based on the age of the MC but...
I'm going the other way on this one. I liked the comps up front- it got me thinking about how those two ideas would combine, which is great. My only suggestion is to play with the second line. Mana giving immortality could be a good thing (I read it that way), realizing its a curse & condemns his soul surprised me. Can you tease this out a little to make it clearer that immortality isn't something you mc wants? Good luck!
DeleteNAME: Leoma Retan
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: A/FA
TITLE: Songs of Change
PITCH: (A/FA) Technologists broke the land. Magic saved the people. Erissa needs both to stop tech-enhanced invaders & save her family. #BaitPitch
I like the idea of technology & magic twisted together & having both her family and earth at stake gives real tension. I'd like to see the first lines fleshed out. Are technologists just people using technology? If magic already saved the people, why does she have to? I think you've got a good start, but for someone unfamiliar with your world, I'm a little confused. Good luck!
DeleteNAME: Leoma Retan
DeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: A/FA
TITLE: Songs of Change
REVISED PITCH: A/FA Tech-creators broke the land 1K yrs ago. Magic saved the remnants. Now Erissa needs both to stop invaders & save her family. #BaitPitch
I think the revised one is definitely better - 'remnants' gives the impression of how shattered and damaged everything was so it's working double-time, which is great. I'm not sure you need the 1K years ago as it's obviously a different world to ours so time isn't so important. Maybe a one word clue as to who Erissa is - can you summarise her in one or two words (like it's that easy!).
DeleteDefinitely #2. I like 'tech-creators' more than 'techonologists' and 'remnants' more than 'people.' I don't think you need the word 'now.' Without it, there's a nice rhythm to the pitch. I also agree with Bianca, I don't think you need the 1K. Based on the structure of the sentences (and "remnants"), I can deduce tech creators broke the land before magic saved what was left. Cut those words, and you might be able to fit in something about Erissa.
DeleteI like #2 a lot more than the first. I agree that you need your age group in the pitch.
DeleteName: Geni P
ReplyDeleteCategory/Genre: YA magical realism
Title : Poison Apples
Pitch: SNOW WHITE meets BETTER OFF DEAD when 16yo Bianca's effect on animals repels her prince & only her voice can win him back. #BaitPitch YA/MR
It's clear that the desired goal is to win the prince. It also seems like an appropriate story for YA. But is the effect she has on animals an ability similar to Snow White's in the Disney film (that she can talk to them)? I'd like to know more about that and about how her voice would win him back. The BETTER OFF DEAD reference doesn't work for me because I don't know anything about it.
DeleteI'm not sure if it's MR or not (still trying to figure out that genre). Most stories about princes and talking to animals are fantasy, rather than MR. Though there are exceptions, like The Princess Diaries.
I like the title of this - instantly clues me into the context of the story. So much so that I wonder if you could just put the title in the pitch and leave out the comp titles to free up more letters (and I'm the same as Leoma in that I don't know Better Off Dead).
DeleteThen perhaps you could explain her effect on animals as that was one question I wanted an answer to. Otherwise, nice fairytale-style pitch!
Sounds like a fun YA. I definitely get a sense of premise from this pitch (Win the prince back!) Are you sure it's Magical Realism though? It sounds more like a Romantic Fantasy. I also wasn't familiar with Better Off Dead. Is there something more recent you could use?
DeleteNAME: Bianca Nogrady
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: Adult science fiction
TITLE: BIOHUNTER
PITCH: A cocky swagger won’t save rogue biohunter Niobe when framed for a heinous crime in a resource-starved world riven by biowar #BaitPitch A/SF
I like the tone of your pitch (there's no mistaking "cocky swagger"), but I could use a little more about the stakes. I get that being framed is bad & presume he'd want to clear his name, but why? What does he face if he doesn't? (Death, prison, exile, etc) How is he going to clear his name? (Solve mystery, expose corruption, seduce the queen... You get the idea). Nice start, now I want more! Good luck.
DeleteOoh. We definitely get a nice sense of character ("Cocky swagger") and world ("riven by biowar"). What we don't get is stakes. What does Niobe have to lose, or what happens if she fails? The main body sentence is a bit long. If you trim it down, you might make room for that. I think you can cut "heinous" and "resource-starved," to help.
DeleteI like this, but I too am missing stakes. What crime? What is she going to do about it?
DeleteNAME: Emily Moore
ReplyDeleteGENRE/ CATEGORY: YA/FA
TITLE: SAMANA'S FLAIR
PITCH: Elf maid Samana's inept magical mark & apprenticeship under a common man hardly put her in position to save oppressed desert world YA/FA