Please read and adhere to all the instructions below so I don't have to be a meanie. Thanks! :) ~The Management
If you are here to prep for #PitchWars, welcome! (Also, if you're not, you're welcome, too!) But please do not refer mentors to this blog to view your Pitch. If they decide to stop by, fantastic! But they are not required to at all. Thanks!
QUERY PITCHES
Note: If you’re here looking for fishing tips, you’ve come to the wrong end of the blogosphere.
Okay, this week we are working on QUERY pitches. That means you are giving us your best pitch paragraph on a single manuscript and we will give you our communal feedback. Read the full list of rules with all their glorious explanations here.
The Rules
Bait and Pitch is open to ALL fiction categories.
This is open to manuscripts of any status.
One pitch per week as a comment to THIS post.
Bring a writer friend. The more the better for all involved!
Bring a writer friend. The more the better for all involved!
You post, you crit.
You edit, you critique again.
If you revise, post it as a REPLY to your original pitch.
Critiques must include AT LEAST one piece of positive feedback.
Don’t be an asshole.
If you cross the line, *I* will critique your pitch in a similar manner. K? *grinz*
Formatting Your Pitch
NAME: The Jackal (bonus points if you get this late 90s/early 00’s TV reference)
CATEGORY/GENRE: YA/Fantasy
TITLE: WHERE ARE THOSE WILD THINGS, ANYWAY?
PITCH: This is where you will write the pitch paragraph from your query. NOT the whole query. Please limit it to no more than four sentences. Really, if you go beyond that, your pitch paragraph is too long. No, really; and don’t be getting all crazy with the semicolons to fit in extra sentences—you know who you are.
Cheers!
The Wicked Pitch of the East (aka Dannie)
NAME: Aightball
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: Adult LGBT Contemp Romance (m/m)
TITLE: RESCUE ME
PITCH: When Jimmy goes behind Coby's back to take a job out in California, Coby makes up his mind once and for all: divorce papers are in the mail. Coby fears that, if their marriage ends, Jimmy faces a one-way ticket back to the streets that nearly killed him. But for all his bravado, Coby is battling his heart: he can't break his promise to take care of Jimmy.
Maybe simplify a little her. Two colons in four sentences seems like a lot.
DeleteWhen Jimmy goes behind Coby's back to take a job in California, Coby makes up his mind once and for all. The divorce papers are in the mail.
Also... I don't understand the "once and for all." Are there other issues that have come before? Is this this final straw?
Coby fears that, if their marriage ends, Jimmy faces a one-way ticket back to the streets that nearly killed him.
Why? If Jimmy has a job in California, why would he be back on the streets? Wouldn't Jimmy know this?
But for all his bravado, Coby is battling his heart: he can't break his promise to take care of Jimmy.
You haven't really shown us any bravado. Can break his promise? of marriage or was there another promise.
Summary--- I like that you've given me some stakes and set up clear decision for Coby, but I'm not quite sure what the real problem is. I think this needs little bit less generic language and a touch more detail.
Good luck!
Hi Kel,
DeleteLike David, I get the feeling that there's more to Cody's decision to divorce Jimmy than this lets on (& I know its hard to make everything come together in a few lines!) but also like David, I don't understand how getting a job will cause Jimmy to live on the streets? Wouldn't a job give him a future?
Also, I did find the transition from "divorce papers" to fearing what would happen to both of them if they broke up, happened too quickly. And again, I know, you're trying to condense a lot in 3-4 lines, which is why it feels this way, but perhaps the answer is NOT mention the living on the streets bit and save a line for the transition from anger to fear?
Also, and I know this is personal taste, but I'd prefer not to see the "once and for all" line as it sounds a little forced/cliché. I think it has more impact if it read
...Coby makes up his mind, divorce papers...
But this could also be a personal thing. Someone else might see it as showing a hinted history of rash behaviour on Jimmy's part :)
I concur on some points with davidoarr. It feels like there are more issues we don't know about in this pitch, and I want to know. Is the job in california an illegal one, and why does the end of marriage make Coby worry if he's had enough? This pitch does raise a lot of questions, but not all of them are good ones. Try to give a tad more detail to flesh out and make your characters and plot a unique one for the agent. Hope this helps!
DeleteI think the first sentence needs work. You want your hook to be snappy and strong - using a colon takes away from that. Make it punch, make it strong. After one lie too many, Coby files for divorce from his husband Jimmy. Generic, but I don't know the story. Definitely work on that first hook. That's the hardest part. ;) Good luck!
DeleteJimmy goes behind Coby's back to take a job in California. Coby fears that if their marriage ends, Jimmy faces a one-way ticket back to the streets. But for all his bravado ( small bravado detail), Coby is battling his heart and can't break his promise to take care of Jimmy.
DeleteI like short and snappy, too. I'd love to get a couple specific details, maybe about the promise, definitely how Coby's bravado shows itself. And who has Coby promised to take care Jimmy to? ~ just my grains of salt. I fell if you get a couple details in, it will help the reader connect. good Luck!
You all have great suggestions! This is the paragraph I struggle with in my query: the final one. The stakes for Coby aren't normal...he sees himself as Jimmy's life-long caretaker but all at once, and with good reason, his patience has run out. So, for him, if this divorce goes through, he's going to feel like a complete failure. In essence, all those people who said 'don't get attached' and 'give up on this waste of a person' when he first found Jimmy half-dead on the streets, will have an 'I told you so' moment. And I"m trying to bring that across without much luck =). I'll work on these suggestions and then re-post and see if things are clearer.
DeleteOkay, after much consideration, thinking and awesome feedback, I changed up the final paragraph. Thoughts?
DeleteEveryone told Coby not to get attached in the beginning. They told him Jimmy was going to break his heart. But he told them he could handle Jimmy. Now, with Jimmy off his meds, back peddling into addiction, Coby is about to admit that everyone was right. The thought of breaking his promise to take care of Jimmy nestles in his stomach like a rock. But at some point, even the strongest men break. And when Coby explodes, it will end not only his marriage, but the best thing that ever happened to Jimmy.
NAME: Nik Vukoja
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: Adult GLBT dark-fantasy re-tell
TITLE: Artie of the Dodecagon
PITCH:
Determined to stop crime boss and sorceress Morgause from murdering her boyfriend Artie, Gwen enlists the help of Catholic Priest-Father Lance. But Lance, corrupted by black-magic, seduces Gwen while Morgause records their sexploits and posts the video to Youtube. Within twenty-four hours their video becomes a viral sensation, devastating Artie and making him vulnerable to Morgause.
Artie, Lance and Gwen’s only hope is the unlikely trio of a semi-retired wizard, a dragon who’s not convinced this group of Knights is worth saving and an Aboriginal elder, who must wake the mystical Rainbow Serpent from its slumber.
I would request pages on this just because it uses so many interesting words. However, it's a lot of names in a short space and it's a bit confusing. Is there a way to focus it in so it presents a single problem with a clear decision and consequence?
DeleteHi David,
DeleteThanks for commenting & I completely agree.
I struggled with 4-lines as this is a complicated story-line with 3POV. The POV is not an issue for me (or my BETA'S) but getting it down to a few lines is difficult. In fact, I found it easier to write a 35-40 word pitch than I did to write 4-lines!
I'm hoping a bit of crit might help work out what should be dumped in a 3-4 line pitch.
I have dual POV MS and a complicated plot, so I fully understand. I think the key is to pick one of the POVs and focus on that. The others two can be there, but only from the perspective of the first. That's the advice I've gotten consistently. Easier said than done though.
DeleteI can see why this would be tough with all the POVs. You may be able to streamline and get to the core of the conflict if you reframe the opening as, "When Gwen's plan to save her boyfriend Artie from Morgause, a powerful crime boss and sorceress, backfires, it leaves them vulnerable to...[insert bad things here and introduce main conflict]. Their only hope in [resolving main conflict] is teaming up with an unlikely trio..." Introducing seven characters in such a short amount of time may be tricky, so maybe you can save some of them for the body of the query and/or synopsis? I do find the YouTube element intriguing, so it would be great for you to reflect the modern elements of the fantasy, perhaps more broadly.
DeleteThanks Margarita,
DeleteIn the full QL, there is a little more space, as you say. I like the suggestion above, so I'm going to play around with that :) * and I agree, I think it's important to try and keep the contemporary references like the Youtube ref. as I believe it shows an agent the period without simply writing when it's set.
And David, thank you also for your additional feedback, I can see that both you and Margarita are leaning toward the same suggestions. This is invaluable.
You mention so many names in this short pitch that it's difficult to know who to care about. You say you have 3 POVs. That's risky, but if you can pull it off (like, the voices for each POV are distinct and different enough that your reader knows which voice is speaking without relying on any kind of chapter heading labels), it can work. But trying to mash all 3 POVs together into one "voice" for the query makes for a muddied mess. I'd suggest either focusing on one character's plot arc (who does the story start with? You want your first chapter to match the story promised in your query, which means you should start with the same voice in your chapter that you promised in your query) ... or you can break the pitch up into 3 mini paragraphs with a VERY short bit about each character. This is probably the more difficult option, because you'd have to sell the reader on 3 different voices and 3 sets of personalized stakes without going over your accepted query word count.
DeleteBut whichever way you choose to take it, you REALLY need to get those stakes into the query. Don't worry so much about what happens. Instead, focus on what the characters WANT, what they NEED, and what horrible disaster will occur if they don't achieve their ultimate goals. (I write YA contemporary romance, so the example that always works for me is to remember that being banished to the loser lunch table for the rest of the school year is much more compelling, in a query, than saving the world from certain destruction.) Give me a reason to care. Make me want to cheer for your characters to find happily ever after.
thanks Veronica, that's great advice.
DeleteI know I'm pulling it off in the MS ppl (I don't know) keep asking for next chapter but getting it *right in the QL is tougher. Focusing on the first POV in the first chapter(s) really resonates with me... which would be Morgause.
Exactly what I was hoping for - Clarity!
BTW - Twelve Steps was awesome!
I think you give us too many people and not enough details. I would focus on Gwinn and the priest...those seem to be the important elements here. Give us why it's important and what's going to happen if this unusual bunch doesn't achieve their goal.
DeleteI do like that you're very concise in your writing! You're giving us just what we need to intrigue us, make us ask questions. That part is very well done!
taking everyone's help on-board and especially Veronica's suggestion to concentrate on one POV, the first in the MS, this is my new version:
DeleteHaving rid herself of the-once-and-future-king, Morgause escaped from Merlin’s reach and revenge, transforming herself as a strip club owner, and crime boss, in Melbourne Australia’s seedy under-world. There she’d wait until she is sure Merlin is at his weakest and then she’ll return to Scotland and destroy him too.
And the plan was working, but for one thing, the baby boy, Artie, was saved by Merlin. And now, twenty-four years later, with Merlin also in Australia and hiding under the guise of a Salvation Army Captain, Artie King is about to come of age and Morgause is about to become the hunted.
Is that any better? All feedback will be so greatly appreciated :)
Nikola,
DeleteI'm actually more confused by this pitch than the first one. The biggest advantage this one has over the first is that it makes it clear that this is a retelling of the Arthurian legend (I love King Arthur!). But I think you're still trying too much to focus on WHAT happens instead of giving us the stakes. In a query, the plot isn't as important as the characters, in my opinion. You don't have time to give us everything, especially in a story as complex as this, so don't try to get it all in.
Ask yourself: What does Morgause WANT more than anything in the world? Why?? What does she NEED? (This may not be the same thing.) What is she willing to SACRIFICE to achieve her goal? And what horrible calamity will occur if she doesn't succeed? Make the stakes specific and personal, so we can connect with your character and we'll be driven to read more.
Also, it would be a good idea to hint at the multiple POVs in your query. Not necessarily in the pitch part, but in the paragraph where you give word count, etc. you could say something like "Told in three alternating POVs, this retelling of the Arthurian legend..." (That way, the reader won't be surprised when the first POV shift happens.)
Thanks Veronica,
Deleteagain, you're awesome doing this (as is Dannie)
now enjoy your weekend & a great book for the sheer pleasure of it!
NAME: Margarita Montimore
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: NA/Upmarket, Contemporary
TITLE: MISSED CONNECTION 1999
PITCH: 24 hours of Astrid's life are blown apart after a tragic accident, and strange visions of a man who could help her patch them back together haunt her, but the more she looks for him, the more she discovers he might not even be real.
Hi Margarita,
DeleteI'm fond of story-lines with missing memories (& similar) so this had my attention. What I didn't quite understand is why Astrid would think her visions were of a real person in the first place? And extra line or two explaining this and then why THIS vision is different would make this something I'd be attracted to.
Hi Nikola (Great name, Nikola Tesla is one of my heroes),
DeleteSince I'm allowed to post up to four sentences, here they are, and this should answer your question:
24 hours of Astrid's life are blown apart after a tragic accident, and strange visions of a man who could help her patch them back together haunt her, but the more she looks for him, the more she discovers he might not even be real. Astrid is temporarily homeless, jobless, and plagued by memory loss and surreal dreams. As she rebuilds her life, she begins to recall parts of the lost day and realizes she has to find Theo, the oddly charming stranger she spent it with. He can fill in the missing pieces and might even be the man in (and of) her dreams.
Hi Margarita,
Deleteyes that does make it clearer, though, I think if you read the first and second bit, you'll see you are repeating yourself. I think what you've tried to do is create a hook, which is great :) but when there's only 3-4 lines, unless it's a killer hook, it may not be the best way to utilise your word-real-estate.
I don't know your story but if I could suggest:
Astrid is homeless, jobless and the only memories she has of the last twenty-fours hours is an accident and a stranger named Theo. Trouble is, she not sure who he is, how to find him or if he’s real…
and then spend the next two lines showing us what’s at stake and why it’s important to Astrid and us.
& Yes, Nikola Tesla was an extraordinary man :)
Hi Margarita,
DeleteThis pitch is pretty good! I would buy this book, as its story is right up my alley. My only suggestion is to flesh it out with some specific details to make it more enticing to an agent. What tragic accident? What about the man attracts her? and maybe hint at why he's not real?
I like Nikola's suggestion for changing things up. The "24 hours of Astrid's life are blown apart after a tragic accident" part of your original pitch feels awfully cliche to me, and it's more likely to produce lukewarm feelings than excitement. (Definitely not the reaction you want from a query!) Astrid wants to reclaim her memories from that missing day. Why? What will happen if she doesn't? Make us care! Bring us into her world with such force that we'll ache for her emptiness and yearn for her to find the answers she seeks. Remember, specifics really help to bring us into the story. Make the stakes real and personal.
DeleteWell done! I really like this pitch and it definitely made me want to head to the pages and read more.
DeleteThe only thing I would point out, as others have said, is that first part of your pitch is a little cliche...see if you can re-word, without losing the punch, to give it a little pizzazz =)
Thank you all so much for this helpful feedback, you rock! How's this?
DeleteWhen a car accident leaves Astrid is temporarily homeless, jobless, unable to remember the previous 24 hours and plagued surreal dreams, she must rebuild her life. As she begins to recall parts of the lost day, she realizes she has to find Theo, the oddly charming stranger she spent it with, because he can fill in the missing pieces and might even be the man in (and of) her dreams. Then she meets Oliver, who claims to be psychic, knows more about her than he should and offers to guide her quest to find Theo. She accepts Oliver’s help, but questions his true motives as she starts to develop feelings for him, too.
Challenge yourself to avoid cliches like "she must rebuild her life" or "her world turns upside down" or anything like that. Is there any way you can change that up, to make it fresh and new?
DeleteHi there, this query is super rough, and way more then the four lines in Dannie's guidelines, but I am really unsure how to break it down further yet. Any input would be great!
ReplyDeleteNAME: Emily Moore
CATEGORY/ GENRE: YA Fantasy
TITLE: SAMANA'S FLAIR
PITCH: When 17-year-old Flairian orphan Samana’s escapes from the cliff city at the expense of her friend’s capture, she lands a home as a human healer’s apprenticeship. Her flair, the mark over each mature Flairian’s heart, remains useless and she longs to know her significance in a world so much bigger than herself. An old flame re-enters her life, and admits his part in a political plan to overthrow the current Flairian king.
The Flairian King is morphing the world into a tyrannical work box for his God’s upcoming gratitude ceremony, and he’ll do anything necessary to stay in power. Even place a false queen beside him and use force to make an heir. But his magic goes astray, leaving the pregnant queen on her death bed.
Samana’s master is summoned to the capitol, and upon arriving with him, she learns that the queen she needs to save is in fact the self-sacrificing friend she pined for all these years. By this time, Samana has discovered that she can save a soul inside her flare. Using this power, she manages to heal her friend and is invited to stay for the King’s planned ceremony.
The rebels’ schemes explode at the ceremony, wounding both her love interest and the queen. If she saves the queen, she’ll be welcomed to the Flairian world as a royal hero, but her man will die. If she saves her man, she’ll be marked as a traitor. Deciding who to save will determine where she belongs.
You have a lot of detail here about what happens in your story, but a query is all about making someone want to read more. Don't worry so much about getting all of the little plot details in. Instead, focus on the specific, emotional stakes for your main character. What does she WANT more than anything else in the world? What does she NEED? (This may or may not be the same thing.) What is she willing to SACRIFICE in order to achieve her goal? And what DIRE CATASTROPHE will occur if she doesn't succeed? Remember, the stakes should be extremely personal. Make us care about your character first, and then we'll want to read her story. A love interest that might die (isn't the queen her friend too? so we should maybe care about her as well - more than the fear of being seen as a traitor, I think) seems like it should be considered high stakes, but really, it falls flat without that emotional connection. With fantasy, especially, you need to help us really connect to the characters, because so much of the world will be unfamiliar at this stage. But emotions and feelings are pretty universal. Emphasize those things we can relate to (the emotional stakes)!
DeleteHi Emily! This is so hard, isn't it! I used the following formula to help me get to the heart of my story and write my query... Will (mc) be able to learn (___) despite obstacles 1. (___) 2. (___) and 3. (___). If so, what will (mc) learn? If not, what will happen? (Stakes) I hope that helps a little. :) Good luck!
DeleteThank you Veronica and Shari! Rewrite coming soon!
DeleteOkay try #2:
DeleteWhen 17-year-old Samana escapes from the cliff city at the expense of her friend Dimeriz, she finds a home as a human healer’s apprentice. Her flair, the mark over each mature Flairian’s heart, allows her to save and protect souls, but it’s temperamental.
Mistrusting of everyone, including Vaku, Samana’s old flame turned rebel, and still unsure of her place in Flairian society, Samana and her master are called to the city to save the queen’s life. Turns out, the queen is Dimeriz, tangled in a political plot decades in the making.
When the rebels invade during a public ceremony, both Vaku and Dimeriz are fatally wounded. Samana must decide who to save and pray to the Great Essence that her flair works in time.
It's clearer, but I'm still not getting a real sense of the stakes. Where is the conflict? Give me a reason to care about Samana's choice. Why does it matter which one she decides to save? Without those personal, specific stakes, I'm more likely to simply shrug and wonder why she doesn't just walk away from both wounded people and save herself.
DeleteName: Shari Schwarz
ReplyDeleteGenre: MG survival adventure
Title: THE LEDGE
Pitch:
Thirteen-year-old Bryce hates being the little brother—especially Jack's little brother.
It's finally summer break, and Bryce can't wait to set off on his long-planned-for backpacking trip to Grandpa's remote, Colorado mountain cabin—even if he does have to go with Jack. Bryce wants to hone his budding survival skills—and maybe, by some miracle, impress his brother along the way. Unfortunately, all Jack wants is to be anywhere other than in the woods with his annoying kid brother. But when their sibling rivalry is interrupted by treacherous wilderness conditions, the brothers must work together to survive a near drowning, a bear encounter, and a near-death experience that uncovers the root of their strained relationship. Set on separate journeys and desperate for a second chance, Bryce and Jack must learn what it means to be brothers if they want to live to tell this tale.
I actually don't have all that much critique, because I think this is a very strong pitch! I love stories that are driven by the relationship between siblings, and that alone makes me want to read more.
DeleteAt first I thought the first sentence was a bit unnecessary, but I really like it as a hook. It's a feeling that most "younger" siblings can relate to, and makes me want to know if there is something specifically about Jack that makes him feel this way. However, with that sentence in place, you can probably shorten one of the following two, if need be.
Do preteens/teens normally say "kid brother?" I mean, I'm seventeen, but I would only refer to my sister as my "younger" or "little" sister. (Again, very minor.)
You use near twice in "near drowning" and "near-death". Perhaps replace "drowning" with the cause of this strife - like...rough waters? Even "almost drowning" might add a bit more word variety.
I don't really understand the "set on separate journeys". Is this emotional wise, as I thought they were working together...?
Anyway, this is nitpicky stuff, because I love the pitch and would totally read THE LEDGE!
I love this premise, too. It's exciting and I can already visualize the story and conflict. I agree that the first sentence isn't needed. Can you incorporate it into the second? i.e. "even if he does have to go with his bullying older brother Jack" (or whatever adjective may be more applicable). I'll echo Justine's confusion on the last sentence. I'm guessing the separate journeys refer to their emotional state but it's not entirely clear and you don't want the reader to wonder if they are physically separated and what kind of journeys you're referring to. Small editing suggestion: "treacherous wilderness conditions" might be tighter as "the treacherous wilderness" (also makes the setting more of a character).
DeleteHi, Justine. Thank you so much for your feedback. I'll work on those spots you picked out. I love that you're 17 and critiquing mine!
DeleteShari
Okay, first of all this query was here before and focused equally on both brothers, right? If I’m remembering that correctly, great job taking feedback and making improvements!
DeleteI think your first sentence is disjointed from what comes next, and contradicts the sentiment that Bryce wants to impress Jack. When you get to “But when their sibling rivalry…” you sort of revert back to the double focus. I want it to stay focused on Bryce.
I like it, but I’m not 100% there. I want more clarity around what Bryce really wants internally, and it might be personal preference, but I’d love to see you try a few more evocative details around “a near drowning, a bear encounter, and a near-death experience” – you’ve got the space to expand just a bit in there, especially the near-death experience, which is just too vague, IMO.
But overall, it’s much improved from the last time around.
I love the premise! Like some of the others the "separate journeys" confused me. I think the suggestions above would tighten up your pitch. Good luck!
DeleteThank you everyone, for your feedback! I'll post a revision...
DeleteI tired entering this above as a reply to my original post but it doesn't seem to be working...
DeleteHere's my revision.
It's finally summer break, and thirteen-year-old Bryce can't wait to set off on his backpacking trip to Grandpa's remote, mountain cabin—even if he does have to go with his big brother, Jack. Bryce wants to hone his budding survival skills—and prove he's not just a little kid anymore. Unfortunately, all Jack wants is to be anywhere other than in the woods with his annoying, little brother. All Bryce's plans for an epic adventure go down the river when Jack almost drowns, a bear eats most of their food, and a tragic climbing accident leaves Bryce in an out-of-body experience. Their separate journeys, one set in the physical world and the other set in the supernatural, lead them to the root of their strained relationship where they are desperate for a second chance. Bryce and Jack must learn what it means to be brothers and family if they want to live to tell their tale.
Name: Justine Winans
ReplyDeleteCategory/Genre: YA/Contemporary
Title: WHERE YOU FOUND ME
Pitch:
Whenever Estelle Graham sees a sunflower, she thinks of murder. The petals bring out her haunting memories of blood, because sunflowers remind her of him. She's not Estelle Graham anymore. She's a ghost of a girl, and if anyone sees her at all - it's the scars that they notice. But in the flower garden she found, none of that matters. Aside from the sunflowers, the small square of nature is her sanctuary, where scars don't matter and the call of memories can't reach her. It's just her, completely surrounded by beauty. Then, suddenly, the boy appears. In her flower garden. And the world doesn't fall apart. Alluring and honest, he's able to capture her attention without trying and capture her heart without uttering a word. Just when all hope seems lost, he might help her find love again. After sharing everything that happened to her, Estelle expects the boy to run away. Instead, he offers her what she never would've expected to find in a psychiatric hospital: hope.
To apologize for being a rebellious rule-breaker, I'm going to try and condense this into four sentences because I can listen to directions, I promise!:
DeleteName: Justine Winans
Category/Genre: YA/Contemporary
Title: WHERE YOU FOUND ME
Pitch:
Whenever Estelle Graham sees sunflowers, she thinks of murder. All she wants to do is escape that horrific past, flying under the radar, but the deep scars on her face make that nearly impossible. She's still haunted by John Griffin - a raven haired boy who promised her the world but ended up shattering it instead. When a new boy invades her sanctuary and gets her to unveil her story, she finds something she never would've expected: hope.
Improvement?
I like it, it intrigues me. I'm curious to know about the sunflowers and murder.
DeleteI love the first line. The hook is great. However, the rest of it is very vague. You need to beef it up with more details, and you can make it more active instead of passive. Instead of 'all she wants' you can say something like, "Most people don't think of murder when they see Sunflowers. Estelle Graham survived a gruesome murder and now tries to be invisible to the world." Just off the top of my head. Not great, but you get the idea. Hope that helps!
DeleteHi Justine,
DeleteI also like the 1st line! The second sentence needs a bit more specificity, I think. HOW is she flying under the radar. Give us some sense of the world she's in or the challenges she runs up against. And then, what happens if she doesn't overcome the challenges. Those are the stakes. I think this is a great concept and has a lot of heart, I think! Good luck!
I agree with others; the first line is great. Maybe just a little more detail in the rest. Good luck!
DeleteThanks for all the wonderful feedback! You guys rock! I'd love to know if this is a step in the right direction:
DeleteWhenever Estelle Graham sees sunflowers, she thinks of murder. She wants to escape her past, haunted by John Griffin - a raven haired boy who promised her the world but shattered it instead. If she can't move on from the deaths and distrust, she may never rejoin reality, but it's hard to start over with four deep self-inflicted scars slashed across her face. When an alluring boy with his own emotional baggage invades the sanctuary of the flower garden she found, and gets her to unveil her story, she finds something she never would've expected to find locked in a psychiatric hospital: hope.
(And does the "unveil her story" part make the last sentence to wordy? It is a significant part of the book, but she only does it because of the boy, so I suppose I can strike it.)
Thanks again for the help. This is like a group of pitch angels!
Hey Justine,
DeleteHaha--rule breaker. No for real, you won't believe this but your shorter pitch paragraph is so much better. Flowery description is awesome for your manuscript and even for a longer synopsis, but in a query, succinct is best. Agents are reading 100s of queries a week. Don't tempt them to skim with large paragraphs or wordy sentences.
Okay, so I do think you're getting there. Some tweaks:
~instead of escape her past, I want to know what she's escaping. Especially if it's unique.
~I want to know who John Griffin is to Estelle. I don't care about his hair color as much in a query. Specificity! How did he shatter her world?
~great detail with the four self-inflicted face scars. That's intriguing. Why? It's specific and unique. :)
Last sentence of that paragraph could also be more specific but I do love the last bit about the psychiatric hospital and hope. I want to know more about that!
~the unveil thing is wordy, it's also not specific. I don't know what that means. Who's he going to unveil what to and how?
Alright, I'm done picking on you for now. This is intriguing!
Thanks, Dannie! I'll definitely take those thoughts into consideration!
DeleteI agree with Dannie. The shorter pitch is so much better than the long one (which, I admit, I had to force myself to read fully - my impulse was to skim it). And she's absolutely spot-on with her suggestions (especially about avoiding those cliched phrases like "escape her past" and "unveil her past").
DeleteThis is intriguing. I'm curious about how sunflowers remind her of murder. But if this was in my slush pile, I probably wouldn't be intrigued enough to request more at this point, because you haven't connected me to your character. I'm not getting a sense of the stakes in your pitch. What does she want and need more than anything in the world? What stands in her way? What will she sacrifice to get it? You caught my attention with your first line. Now make me care enough to keep going. :)
name: Raven Hudgins
ReplyDeleteGenre: YA Paranormal Romance
Title: KIWAKU
Dying is one thing, but soul transference is a whole other issue.
A broken heart can make a person do stupid things. When Max wrecks his car, his soul is thrown from his body and transferred into the form of his spirit animal, a white fox, while his body is left comatose. Max must get his human skin back and save the love of his life from a certain soul-sucking newcomer. If he can’t, then she will become like the others, a walking corpse, and he will be stuck as a fox forever.
The balance between romance and paranormal is good! The goals and consequences are also clear, which intrigues me and makes me want to read.
DeleteI also love the second sentence, but it doesn't connect to the rest of the pitch. It makes me wonder why his heart is broken and what stupid things he's going to do. Is there anyway to tie those to the later ideas?
I had it where it said a broken heart can make a person do stupid things like get into a car accident, but some said it wasn't strong enough lol
DeleteYou could probably go without the second sentence, because the third connects to the first very well. We get a great sense of Max and the romance by the stakes you've included. You could probably break up the third sentence into two. It works the way it is, but is a tad bit long-winded.
DeleteOverall, nice job on the pitch. The story sounds very interesting, and I imagine it would have an incredible POV.
It switches POVs a couple times
DeleteI think I've read your query before =). I like this version but I'm not 100% sold on the stakes. What's so bad about him being a fox and her a walking corpse forever? Sure, it probably sucks, but I need a titch more to understand why these are high stakes.
DeleteI do like your intro line. I read that and think 'yep, it does' and then you keep me interested throughout. I'd just tweak that last line and see what you can do there.
NAME: Natasha Raulerson
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: Adult Urban Fantasy
TITLE: Blood Moon
PITCH:
Lucy ‘Mac’ McNamara will become a monster to destroy the werewolf responsible for the murder of her family.
Three years ago, Liam Greene sent two of his own to kill Mac’s family in an unwarranted attack. Since then, she’s maimed, tortured, and killed every wolf who’s crossed her path in an effort to track him down. She’s beyond caring why. All she wants is for Liam to suffer and die a gruesome death.
Scary!
DeleteBut I got a wee bit confused.
Lucy ‘Mac’ McNamara will become a monster (a real monster? or figurative?) to destroy the werewolf responsible for the murder of her family.
Three years ago, Liam Greene sent two of his own to kill Mac’s family in an unwarranted attack. Since then, she’s (is "she" Lucy?) maimed, tortured, and killed every wolf who’s crossed her path in an effort to track him down. She’s beyond caring why. All she wants is for Liam to suffer and die a gruesome death.
I kind of want to think it's more than a revenge killing. Are their other stakes? Anything more subtle, something the heart can really grab hold of? But it's pretty solid pitch. Good Luck!
sorry, my typos are plentiful today.
DeleteHAHA, no worries about the typos. Yeah, there's more than revenge at stake. Just gotta get farther in the query to find out what. :P This is just the first paragraph. ;)
DeleteI like this! You've given me a good jolt in the beginning and, with the stakes, you make me want to keep reading. I personally think this is good to go!
DeleteThanks for this Dannie. Ok, so this is for a WIP I'm in the middle of drafting.
ReplyDeletename: Karen Lee Hallam
Genre: YA Swing Era Psycho/Suspense. (?)
Title: RUBY, RUBY,
Summer 1935: 18yo Jazz student Ruby helps the police catch nearby killers with her “visions” but when a fellow student calls Ruby’s name as she’s strangled to death, Ruby doesn’t tell anyone and keeps on singing.
First off, the genre alone has me thinking, "YES. WOULD READ. WOULD BUY ALL THE COPIES." And I love the title. And the concept. (Seriously, I want to read this.)
DeleteJust a few notes on the pitch:
1) Many props for doing it all in one sentence. Are you a robot? However, you may want to break it up and give is a bit more detail. What are these "visions?"
2) I'm not really seeing the stakes too much. If the student is already dead, why does it matter? If that was just the vision and Ruby is choosing not to save her, what's the obstacle? If something is preventing her from saving this girl, let us know, because then we have some pretty heavy stakes.
Hope this helps!
I'm hooked by this and already want to read more. Why does she keep on singing? What will this cost her? Is she in danger or danger herself? You already have a long sentence, so I don't know if you can add this here, but it would be great if there's a way you could convey a little more about what's at stake for Ruby. (Am guessing this is in the rest of your query, though).
DeleteLol, not a robot. Thanks for the help. I'll be right back to revise. There's a twin sister, given up for adoption and sent to an asylum . . . but not sure how to work the twin in without revealing too much.
DeleteThough, you do actually learn about the twin sister pretty early on. I'm still drafting, so goodness knows where I will be lead.
I'm hooked and would love to read this. The tension is lovely. :)
DeleteBut I think I agree with Margarita: I'd like to know why Ruby keeps singing and doesn't tell anyone (is she being threatened? Is she afraid? What's at stake?). That could be the perfect piece of information to hook the reader even more (without giving away your plot twist). :)
Guess, i really only wrote a logline here. I'm off to work on the query for this yet to be finished ms. THANKS Margarita and Justine for your suggestions and encouragement. :)
DeleteAnd Thank you Megan!
DeleteName: Philip Ray
ReplyDeleteGenre: NA Science Fiction
Title: Born of Relics
Pitch: Edison's new degree in Xenoarcheology is fantastic for uncovering ancient alien artifacts on distant planets, but terrible for finding employment. Desperate, Edison forgoes his common sense and allies with a raggedy group of endearing space pirates who need a xenoarcheologist young and naive enough not to ask too many questions. Together, they aim to delve into dark, ancient alien cathedrals to illuminate a lost culture and find the Eye of Trafalgar - the most sought-after ancient relic in the galaxy. Edison stands to become the most renown xenoarcheologist in centuries, but with a bounty hunter in aggressive pursuit, he also risks being forever branded a galactic criminal.
*Note - There is a mild romantic element between Edison and one of the crew that I can't figure out how to fit into the pitch paragraph. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
I love the first sentence. It's a great hook. I almost snorted while reading it.
DeleteIf you really want to include the romantic element, perhaps strike the "who need a xenoarcheologist young and naive enough not to ask too many questions". It seems a bit wordy to me, and I feel it can be replaced with a detail about the love interest, as that would fit well coming after "endearing".
The fact that he has a new degree and "forgoes his common sense" lets me know that he's young and naive without directly saying so.
All in all, I think it's a very interesting concept, and - although I'm by no means an expect on the category - don't see too many NA Science Fiction, so that's intriguing.
Anyway, I hope this is somewhat helpful.
Oh, I just love the premise. What does your romantic element do? Save him? Destroy him? Confuse him? Maybe let the one he's romantic about, come through as an action he either needs to take, or a barrier he needs to bust? But i love this idea and have thought of something with ancient artifacts to write about, myself.
DeleteThanks for the help! Here is my revision:
DeleteEdison's new degree in Xenoarcheology is fantastic for uncovering ancient alien artifacts on distant planets, but terrible for finding employment. Desperate, Edison forgoes his common sense and allies with a raggedy group of endearing space pirates, including the captain's intelligent and highly distracting daughter, Nef. Together, they aim to delve into dark, ancient alien cathedrals to illuminate a lost culture and find the Eye of Trafalgar - the most sought-after ancient relic in the galaxy. Edison stands to become the most renown xenoarcheologist in centuries, but with a bounty hunter in aggressive pursuit, he also risks being forever branded a galactic criminal.
Nice, Philip! Well done, me thinks. :)
DeleteName: Ramon Ballard
ReplyDeleteGenre: Adult- Historical Fiction
Title: Chasing Eternity
pitch: Searching for a way to break the curse Colin joins the British Army in its fight to maintain their control of the Colonies. A battle he intends to lose. The last thing he wants is to go on living—until he finds himself in the early nineteenth century, in the arms of Beth, a woman who melts Colin’s frozen heart and gives him something to live for. But when an accident takes Beth’s life, Colin discovers that time won’t loosen its grip on him even in grief. Alas, there is no solution for Colin’s problem. No way out. No hope. Destined to travel the world alone, he’s too afraid to love again. Watching another loved one age and die, the curse of immortality.
I love that the depth of romantic attachment is evident throughout the pitch.
DeleteI think that 'the curse' should be better defined. A pitch should propose a problem, then give the reader some hope that the main character can find resolution to it. Even if he never breaks the curse, does he learn some way to cope?
Also, I find some of the incomplete sentences confusing and am not sure how time travel plays a role in the plot.
Love the idea!
DeleteA change I'd make is to cut "gives him something to live" it's cliche and done before. I think that sentence is stronger with out it. Also, you're in the same boat I am: emotional stakes...and those are tough buggers to write! But, I think with a little tweaking you can really bring yours out. My suggestion: after "...even in grief.", cut the stuff right after. I think if you go from "...even in grief." ad then to "Destined...", you'll have a strong ending.
REVISION OF THE 15TH REVISION REVISED FOR THE 16TH TIME
DeleteBorn in England in 1066, Colin Harcourt becomes an unwilling pawn for the Duke of Normandy during the first Crusades in the Holy Land. While stripping victims of their valuables, an Arab mystic thrusts a mysterious necklace into his hands, (rendering) the young crusader ageless and immortal—a gift, which soon becomes a curse. With endless life, Colin watches his family, wives, and friends grow old and die.
Searching for a way to break the curse Colin joins the British Army in its fight to maintain their control of the Colonies. A battle he intends to lose. The last thing he wants is to go on living—until he finds himself in the early nineteenth century, in the arms of Beth, a woman who melts Colin’s frozen heart and gives him something to live for. But when an accident takes Beth’s life, Colin discovers that time won’t loosen its grip on him. Alas, there is no solution for Colin’s problem. Destined to travel the world alone, he’s too afraid to love again. In the end Colin must decide which curse is worse, immortality or regret.
Born in England in 1066, Colin Harcourt becomes an unwilling pawn for the Duke of Normandy during the first Crusades in the Holy Land. While stripping victims of their valuables, an Arab mystic thrusts a mysterious necklace into his hands, rendering the young crusader ageless and immortal—a gift (NO COMMA) which soon becomes a curse. With endless life, Colin watches his family, wives, and friends grow old and die.
DeleteSearching for a way to break the curse Colin joins the British Army in its fight to maintain their control of the Colonies (ADD--)a battle he intends to lose. The last thing he wants is to go on living—until he finds himself in the early nineteenth century (NO COMMA) in the arms of Beth, a woman who melts Colin’s frozen heart and gives him something to live for (EXPAND ON THIS THOUGHT...AS IS, IT'S CLICHE, BUT I BET THERE'S MORE TO TELL HERE). But when an accident takes Beth’s life, Colin discovers that time won’t loosen its grip on him. (Alas, there is no solution for Colin’s problem.) <--- CUT THAT, IT REPEATS WHAT THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE SAID. Destined to travel the world alone, he’s too afraid to love again. In the end Colin must decide which curse is worse, immortality or regret. GOOD STAKES!
My comments are in all caps (promise I'm not shouting!). This is a good revision but I think you can cut a little more.
Name: Brie E. Paddock
ReplyDeleteGenre: Epic Fantasy
Title: BONES OF THE PROGENITORS
Rowan just wants to find a nice, quiet place to finish her dissertation.
Once she's fallen through an interdimensional rift, into a war between northern warriors and their ancient enemies, quiet experimentation is no longer sufficient to find the truth.
Will Rowan be able to discover how she arrived in this primitive place, despite the bloody laws of the Viking-like people, the near-humans intent on human sacrifice that hold the secret, and a handsome warrior more intent on killing these evolutionary spin-offs than questioning them. If she doesn't earn the trust of these warriors, she may never find the truth and their ancient enemies may annihilate the people who have taken her in.
I think if you combine a bit of the "interdimensional rift", it might make for a more interesting hook. Also, you won't need to repeat the lack of quiet in the second sentence.
DeleteAlso you have a question without a question mark. I'm not a fan of rhetorical questions when they can be avoided, but it does succeed in grabbing my interest. (It still probably would reworded from a question.)
Does the "their" before "ancient enemies" refer to the warriors?
Overall, I think it sounds interesting. There's definitely high stakes and I do love the opening (I just think it would be a tad bit stronger if partially combined!)
Name: Megan A. Hoak
ReplyDeleteGenre: YA Contemporary
Title: Call Me Capulet
If there’s one thing Janey Lawson knows, it’s that she wants to get out of her podunk, redneck town. The last thing she wants is to end up stuck just like her folks, who’ve become increasingly unhinged ever since money got tight. But when Janey and her best friend fall for the same guy, getting out gets complicated. As Janey’s family falls apart around her, she’s not sure she has the strength to try.
I'm intrigued by the premise and could see Janey as someone I would root for. I'd like some more detail or hints as to how things fall apart for Janey and how her family life falls apart. Consider condensing the first and second sentences into one, to convey more urgency. Maybe she doesn't want to get out, she NEEDS to. Until she meets a special guy, who her best friend also happens to fall for. Also, I want Janey to have the strength to try to get out, but I need to know why life would get so bad, it would beat her down. And I'm curious to know what her desires are beyond leaving the redneck town, what is her big dream and what is standing in the way of her achieving it?
DeleteThanks, for your thoughts, Margarita. Since this is the pitch, not the query, I struggled to figure out how much to include. The query definitely goes more into depth...but I was trying to be good and stick to Dannie's four line rule! ;)
DeleteBasically, Janey is a tech theater student. She's designed the set for the school play: Romeo and Juliet. Her teacher thinks she has the potential to get a scholarship and to to college. Which is a big deal for Janey, since no one in her family's ever gone.
But the stress from dealing with her dysfunctional family and the rivalry with her friend over the aforementioned "special guy" could keep her from realizing her goals. She has to find the strength to realize she's "good enough" and that her dream is worth fighting for.
Ok, making Janey possibly the first in her family to go to college makes me like her more and also creates some good stakes here. What about something like, "Janey Lawson has the chance to get a theater scholarship that would be her ticket out of [X], her redneck, podunk town...if she can only escape the drama in her own life." (if you feel that's too corny, don't use it, but I'd like to see the theater aspect in there, I think it adds appeal.
DeleteHey Megan,
DeleteOooh I love theatre stories. My NA WIP takes place on the set of Wicked.
I think the more specificity you can use in your pitch, the better. Yes, this is only part of your query, but it's the first part, and for some agents who get 400 queries a week, the first paragraph may be all they read before moving on.
The tech theatre element is something you want to include. I've seen theatre settings on a couple agents MSWL in the past month.
I think you do yourself a disservice by focusing so much on other characters in this pitch paragraph. It's good to include the conflict with the parents, but make sure you stay focused on how Janey is impacted. ~Here's what I feel like agents are looking for in your query pitch: (1) who is your MC? (2) what does he want? (3) what stands in his way? (4) what are the stakes? And I think you can do it in 4 sentences. Seriously, with agents, your whole query, including why you're querying them and your brief bio should be less than 300 words and around 3 paragraphs. So tighten the stakes and color in the world for us! Middle American small town stories are in demand so this has potential!
Thanks, Dannie. I appreciate the advice and I'll take it to heart. Off to revise right now! :)
DeleteOnce again, I'm just gonna echo Dannie's thoughts. :)
DeleteI also really think you should work the theater element into the pitch. (I kept wondering how the title matched the story you described!)
Focus more on the specific, personal stakes for your main character than what happens in the story. We don't necessarily need to know the plot at this point. Let us get to know and care about your main character, introduce the conflict, let us know what is at stake (make it personal and specific) and pull us in so we'll have to read the manuscript to find out how it all works out!
Name: Jeri Baird
ReplyDeleteGenre: MG Fantasy
Title: A TIME OF MAGIC - ZANDER'S CHOICE
Zander, along with all the fourteen-year-olds in Puck’s Gulch, undergoes a time of magic where he earns tokens for good behavior and omens for bad deeds. In a subsequent quest, the omens come to life as physical threats and can only be overcome by the right token. After Zander’s tokens are stolen by a jealous rival, his best hope of survival is to join the other questers to cheat Fate. It’s an unbearable choice because fighting with the others puts Zander’s twin sister’s life at risk.
Hi Jeri. Your query reads like a list of things that happen. INstead, try to make it sound like back jacket copy. Ask these three questions - What does Zander want? What must he do to achieve it? What's standing in his way? Also, 14 is definitely an upper limit for MG - does he need to be 14?
DeleteTry to be specific - I have no idea what "undergoes a time of magic means" and how does he earn the good and bad tokens? You mention questers late in the query, but I don't know what the quest is for.
Good luck!
Thanks Joy! I'm rewriting to answer those questions. Can't quite get it in four sentences (7) so I won't re-post, but your suggestions have been a great help! I can write books, but for some reason, queries elude me!
DeleteThat first sentence is very intriguing. Overall, I'd love to read this. I think Joy's comments will help you specify. Good luck!
DeleteName: Shawn Ingram
ReplyDeleteGenre: YA Contemporary
Title: Right Here Waiting For You
Kat is the angry girl in combat boots and dreadlocks. Two years after her mother's death, Kat has carefully crafted her life to avoid facing that reality. But now, her best friend Jade is too busy spending time with her dealer boyfriend, her father is dating someone new, and the old friends she's worked hard to avoid are trying to bring her backstage again. And then there’s Renee, the overwhelming girl she can't stop thinking about.
I love your opening sentence! After that, I'm not sure of the conflict. I think I'd mention the mother's death and the girl she can't stop thinking about. Maybe: Two years after her mother's death, Kat is the angry girl in combat boots and dreadlocks. When she can't stop thinking about Renee who..?... Kat must decide if opening her heart is worth the risk. And then give us the stakes if she does or doesn't. What will happen? I'm guessing at the opening her heart part!
DeleteIt sounds like a great premise! The first and last lines make me want to read it.
Hey, Shawn!
DeleteLike the opening line--be sure to include Kat's age in here somewhere.
There are great story details here, some nice hints at your plot, but they're not your pitch or hook, I don't think.
Am I remembering right from your pages that Mom committed suicide? And that depression for Kat is a huge piece of the story? I think playing up those angles might pique more interest, what with mental health being such a huge marketability factor.
If I'm totally remembering the wrong book just erase this feedback from your brain and chalk it up to "Dannie's been up for 19.5 hours and her old lady brain is epic failing.
~Here's what I feel like agents are looking for in your query pitch: (1) who is your MC? (2) what does he want? (3) what stands in his way? (4) what are the stakes? Some of that you have, but there are some questions you could do more with. What I'm saying is that you have an awesome story here and you're not selling it as well as I know YOU can.
Thanks. I know I have to work on the stakes, which can be a bit hard for this story. Should probably work on what stands in Kat's way, which, really, is just herself.
DeleteKat's mother didn't commit suicide, but depression (grieving and trying to move on) is definitely a big part of the story. I'll see if I can find a way to fit that into the pitch.
When her sister, Leah, goes from hospice patient to superhero Izzy is determined to learn why, and when agents come to retrieve Leah, Izzy must take up arms to save her cyborg sister and herself.
ReplyDeleteCyborg sister! Great twist! This is a great one sentence hook, but since you have four sentences, why not expand this and show a little of Izzy's voice. You could add what kind of super hero Leah became. Also, agents and take up arms is a little generic. If you could add some specifics, it would take this from interesting to I have to read this! What happens if Izzy can't save Leah?
DeleteREVISION:
DeleteWhen her sister Leah cheats death Izzy should be happy, relieved, all that and a bag of chips, but she's not, she's suspicious. But before Izzy can Nancy Drew out the details, their Dad packs them into the car heading for their grandparent's farm out in the ass-end of nowhere, in the middle of a blizzard smack dab in the coldest cold snap in recent memory. Leah is showing signs of being less hospice patient and more superhero, she is stronger, faster, there is some silver stuff in her blood that fixes every injury and most worrying of all she's become dangerously unstable. With time running out Izzy must find her courage because the guys who hold the patents to Leah's cyborg insides are coming, and all that stands between the Silversteins and death is Izzy, sledgehammer in hand, ready to bust some bad guy head.
There's some really interesting stuff here, Jessica! I love the idea of a cancer-kid-turned cyborg.
DeleteHere's my concern. In this query--though perhaps not in your book--Leah is more interesting than Izzy. It feels like you are telling Leah's story from Izzy's POV. And I'm not sure that's your intent. By the time we get to Izzy's story goal in the last sentence, it (and she) are overshadowed.
The concept is very cool, I think it sells itself better in the one sentence you posted first than it does here in the longer query pitch. So take that and expand on it with a focus more on your main character, and you have me hooked!
Name: TS Liard
ReplyDeleteGenre: YA Thriller
Title: SARIN
Dylan was only ten the first time he took a life. A momentary blissfulness that forever created a rift between himself and the person he loved the most. Now sixteen-year-old Dylan is stuck on an uninhabited island with five other kids after their escape plane crashes. Keeping his lust for killing a secret is complicated by the arrival of mercenaries determined to hunt the group down. When members of the group begin to die, Dylan must reveal his secret and use his murderous skillset to protect the rest of them, even if it means those he cares for the most will turn their backs on him once again.
I'm all for YA thriller and I'm glad to see more of it. I really think we need more books that push the boundaries of keeping YA readers, especially young ones in a delicate box and I congradulate you on that. This also really reminds me of Nikita, one of my favorite series.
DeleteI would like to know though in the query who is this person he loves most, especially if its important to the story plot. Is it his mother? Father? Grandmother? Friend? This will effect how I view the character, their struggles and their development.
How did he get on this island? Did he always live there? The jump from the previous sentence to this one is a little jarring for me and kinda makes me lose focus and start questioning...which IS a good thing and makes me want to read more, but I think it can be more smoothly.
I think you ended strongly, and I really like the focus on stakes.
So I thought the first sentence was a great hook. But then the second sentence was confusing – I didn’t understand that the momentary blissful was the act of killing until later when you mention the lust for killing. And then the third sentence confuses me further still – escape plane? What are they escaping from? Why are mercenaries trying to kill them? And why will those he loves turn their backs on him if he protects other kids from killers?
DeleteBasically, it sounds like you’ve got something super cool here and the stakes are excellent, but the query is seriously confusing. If the manuscript is in good shape, you could really hook agents if you clarify the query. Good luck!
Hi TS,
DeleteOooooh, there's some good stuff here. I love the unlikely protagonist angle.
I agree with Joy that the second sentence muddies more than it clarifies. It's missing specificity, which is so important in a query. I think the detail about him/her being the person a killer loves most has the potential to be really interesting. But I want to know who that person is.
I'd also suggest some reordering--I want to know all the details you feel you need to give us about your MC at once--in a maximum of two sentences. Make sure that we know right up front that he has an affinity for murder. Then flip this very wicked sounding person on his head and show us how the murderous skillset is a strength where your well-established stakes are concerned. You have most of the important query details here but they could flow more logically.
Thanks so much everyone. Using all your awesome suggestions this is what I came up with:
DeleteName: TS Liard
Genre: YA Thriller
Title: SARIN
Dylan was only ten the first time he took a life. The momentary bliss he felt having been able to give into his lust for killing forever created a rift between himself and the person he loved the most, his stepfather Rob. Six years later, Dylan is forced to abandon his home during a sarin attack. But his escape plane crashes and now he is stuck on an uninhabited island with five other military brats. Keeping his thirst for carnage a secret is complicated by the arrival of mercenaries determined to hunt the group down. When members of the group begin to die, Dylan must reveal his secret and use his murderous skillset to protect the rest of them, even if it means those he cares for the most will turn their backs on him once again.
Love it. I think 2nd sentence still could get better. " having been able" a little unwieldy. I'll get back to you with more.
DeleteName: Kosoko Jackson
ReplyDeleteGenre: YA Thriller
Title: All Kingdoms Must Fall
As the son of a business tycoon, Braxton is part of the elite oligarchy that runs the city and lives a completely different life than the rest of the working class. When a bloodbath masquerading as a revolution against the elite oligarchy begins, Braxton and his no name, no past, gun-toting guardian lives quickly change in one night from soirees, schools and mundane repetition to outwitting blood hungry rebels, relying on each other, and coming to terms with the simple truth that all kingdoms must fall.
Kosovo,
DeleteCreative idea! I like what I understand of this! I'm not sure, though, that I understand enough about where you are going with it. Specific suggestions per sentences:
1 maybe....city; he
2 I'm confused how we went from son of a business tycoon to the guardian. The sentence might be better as two sentences.
Hi Kosoko,
DeleteBuilding off what Sherry says, I think I want a little more specificity and context. What city are we talking about? Is it a real place, for example, or something more fantastical? This is sounding to me more action/adventure than thriller so I need a little more context. The more specific you can be in your details, the better. For example, how different is this story if it's set in, say Jerusalem vs. Hong Kong? "City" doesn't tell us nearly as much as those would.
And I'm curious about this nameless guardian! Intriguing concept on the surface, just dig a little deeper!
Hi Kosovo,
DeleteBuilding off what has been said:
1- I dont think you need the line he lives different then the rest of the working class. It is implied b/c he is part of the elite oligarchy.
2- Give the name of the guardian. Is it like a bodyguard or fantasy guardian. When you say guardian I think we are going fantasy as in every day life they are called bodyguards.
3- What is at stake for Braxton? Ok, yes, there is the life lesson that all kingdoms must fall but what is HIS personal stake? Is it becoming poor?
4- as for the body guard, give the name? This person should be used to fighting plus you said he/she is gun-toting so it shouldnt be something the person isnt already used to so how is this person's life changed? And why is this person important?
Sorry on your name butchering.
DeleteName: Sherry Howard
ReplyDeleteGenre: YA
Title: Coach Hart's Fumble
Hunter and his friends turn amateur detectives when their famous high school football coach threatens to bring disgrace to their team and small town; now it's up to them to solve the case before one of his friends gets killed. In a town where football is the heart of the community, Hunter struggles just to be the man of the house, a football standout, and the man of Caroline's dreams until a friend's near death stirs up his doubts and suspicions about Coach. Hunter doesn't think he can stand to have his life turned upside down again; so will he have the guts to risk his hard-earned, not-a-nobody status and his promised scholarship to expose Coach for the man he is? Will he have the guts to be the man his Nan chides him to be or will he turn and run?
I like the idea here, a high school football star tries to balance his home life and love life while solving a mystery about his coach. I feel like you might be packing too much into four sentences with all those semicolons. I'd try to focus on the main hook, which seems to be the mystery about the coach. The other stuff is important to the story, but it dilutes the pitch for me. It also makes for a relatively large block of text that an agent who's reading a lot of pitches at a time may be tempted to just skim through.
DeleteHi Sherry!
DeleteSports stories are a thing with some agents right now, so this concept sounds marketable. :)
I cosign what Shawn says. Here're some additional suggestions:
~With YA you always want to give us your MC's age. Technically speaking a 9th grader might be a middle grade MC in some situations, so if I'm pretending I'm an agent, I want to know how old your MC is
~Here's what I feel like agents are looking for in your query pitch: (1) who is your MC? (2) what does he want? (3) what stands in his way? (4) what are the stakes? You have some of that here, but it's a little muddy.
Hope this helps!
Thank you both, revising.
DeleteSixteen year old Hunter and his friends turn amateur detectives when their famous high school football coach threatens to bring disgrace to their team and small town through his wild partying ways with students. When a friend nearly dies it's up to Hunter's crew to solve the mysteries behind coach's public persona. In a town where football is the heart of the community, Hunter struggles just to be the man of the house, a football standout, and the man of Caroline's dreams. Hunter risks his peaceful status and his promised college scholarship to expose the secretive Coach for the man he is before someone dies.
DeleteHi Sherry-
DeleteIs the coach famous just in the town or nationally? You could tighten it if he is just famous in the town. Kind of like those small towns where someone like the coach is a celebrity to them and nothing he can do is wrong. So almost you get the feel of it's going to be Hunter vs. the town. But if its nationally then I would want to know that as well because the stakes are MUCH higher then because the public eye is more focused on the team.
Also, hook me more. "Wild partying ways with students". Is this 21 Jump Street (the new one not the series) where it's a new synthetic drug, is he partying with underage females (that was my first thought and kind of cringed), or is he just supplying them alcohol.
Hmmm. New plot twist I hadn't considered with national fame, had been local, but maybe??? Also, the parties involved drinking, but drugs as well, and performance enhancing drugs are discovered along the way. Thanks!
DeleteDumb de Doo da deh, A little late to the party....
ReplyDeleteName: David
Genre: MG Fantasy
Title: Nomags vs Gifted
Molly, a gutsy Nomag girl, knows that her nerdy, day-dreaming best friend, Christian Derling, is a cracked nut. He often pretends he has magical powers like the Gifted—a people feared by most Nomags and hated by her overbearing father. When Gifted magic appears to save Christian from a deadly fall, Molly’s world gets turned upside down. As she tries to hide her best friend’s secret from her father and other Nomags, she learns that a pair of traitors in her father’s militia plan to sacrifice her as part of a Machiavellian plot to trick her father into starting an unwinnable war with the Gifted.
Molly wants to protect Christian and change her father’s mind about the Gifted so her life can go back to the way it used to be, but first she has to escape the traitors and prevent a war.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteName: A. S. Behsam
ReplyDeleteGenre: YA Fantasy/Romance
Title: The Autumnal Equinox
There’s one thing might stop foster kid Michael Sullivan from leaving United Regions—a portmanteau of Iran & US—for good once high school is over: he discovers his real family members were all human ‘Hunters’, so he’s supposed to follow their footsteps after gaining his powers at fall. Since Michael is used to people dying from natural causes, like suicide or execution, the problem isn’t just about killing people. The thing is, he loves his ‘Defender’ girlfriend, and that means going against his blood and some crazy people.