TWITTER PITCHES
Note: If you’re here
looking for fishing tips, you’ve come to the wrong end of the blogosphere.
Okay, this week we are
working on TWITTER pitches. That means you are giving us your best 140
characters including your hashtag & Category/Genre abbreviation (info
below) and we will give you our communal feedback. Read the full list
of rules with all their glorious explanations here.
The Rules
Bait and Pitch is open
to ALL fiction categories.
This is open to
manuscripts of any status.
One pitch per
week.
You post, you
crit.
You edit, you critique
again.
If you revise, post it
as a REPLY to your original pitch.
Critiques must include
AT LEAST one piece of positive feedback.
Don’t be an
asshole.
If you cross the line,
*I* will critique your pitch in a similar manner. K? *grinz*
Formatting Your Pitch
Yes, you MUST use the #BaitPitch hashtag, as you would with any contest.
NAME: The Wicked Pitch of the East
CATEGORY/GENRE: YA/Fantasy
TITLE: WHERE ARE THOSE WILD THINGS, ANYWAY?
PITCH: #BaitPitch (YA/F)When
Max grows up,yada yada yada.Use Twitter/Word to make sure you only have 140
characters or expect the verbal beatdown.
Cheers!
The Wicked Pitch of the
East (aka Dannie)
Thanks Dannie. Good morning everyone. Pitch below, I'll be back to critique later today. Thank you! Geni
ReplyDeleteMeeting THE guy in paradise is perfect, but not real. Now Lucy must find him again in the real world, or give him up. #BaitPitch YA/ContF
Ugh, sorry! I mean to reply to THIS, not to Dannie's original post! Reposting for the sake of clarity!
DeleteSounds like a cool concept! It might not prevent me from asking for pages (if I were an agent, and I'm not), but I'm curious as to what you mean by "paradise"? Heaven? Eden? Something from a non-Christian religion? A dream world? It kind of gives me a paranormal vibe too, but you're pitching as contemp. I love your second sentence so much, but the first is kind of half intriguing and half confusing, if that makes sense?
Sorry. To add to original
DeleteName: Geni P
Genre: Contemporary with elements of fantasy
Title: Eden
I agree with Kimberly. I want to know if death is involved, or where the non-real world is. And more detail of stakes. Why does she need to give him up? And the first sentence throws me: is the meeting perfect or the man perfect? Despite these questions, I am interested in the concept.
DeleteRound 2:
DeleteMeeting THE guy in a mysterious Eden is perfect, but not real. Lucy must find him again in the real world, or lose him. #BaitPitch YA/CF
I like this one more than your first pitch.
DeleteHi! I like your premise and the mysterious Eden. I wonder if you even have to say, 'or lose him' because she doesn't have him in the first place in the real world, so how could she lose him? Also, when you say that Eden isn't real, it makes me think it's a dream. Is that right?
DeleteI like this much better... one thing you could do to free up some more characters and add more detail is to drop "but not real." Since you say "in the real world" in the next sentence, it's redundant. Maybe those characters could be used to either describe Eden a little more or clarify "or lose him"?
DeleteAlso, apologies! I read "ContF" as "Contemporary Fiction" for some reason, and you obviously meant fantasy. *face/palm* Sorry about that, the confusion over the fantastical elements was my fault!
DeleteOk, in case anyone's still out there, one more try (and THANK YOU for all the feedback so far!!)
DeleteRound 3:
Meeting THE guy in a mysterious Eden is perfect, almost. To have a shot with him, Lucy must find him-in the real world. #BaitPitch YA/ContFa
I'd drop the - in "find him-in the real world". It saves one character, but that's always good. I think this is better than where you started but it still feels a little vague to me. I think, for me personally, I'd like a little more about the Eden part...maybe you can shorten that part a little> Met THE guy in mysterious Eden [more about eden] then give us the end?
DeleteI like this the best so far! The only thing I'd like to see more of is the MC's obstacles, or antagonist if there is one... WHY is it so hard to find him? What's standing in her way? It might be hard to do more of that in a Twitter pitch, and I do think this will get some interest as is, but if you can think of a way to do it.
DeleteI'd drop the "dash" too... just comes off as a hyphen as you've got it, and a space works just as well.
Just a rough draft lol
ReplyDeleteRaven hudgins
YA paranormal
Kiwaku
#baitpitch (YA/PR) max likes Rylee, Rylee likes Caleb, Caleb tries to steal her soul, max's soul is transferred into a fox
So, this format (x likes y, y likes z, etc.) works fairly well for the more quirky contemporary novels, but I don't think it's best for paranormal or fantasy. You do a good job of highlighting the unique elements of your novel (soul stealing! fox-people!) and I think there's a good amount of voice that comes out when you pair the usual with the unusual in that way, but I don't get any plot or stakes here.
DeleteIt's so hard to fit all that in 140 characters, I know, but I need you to explain how all this soul stealing happens and what it means for/to your characters. But, I know it's just a rough draft, and you have a good start here, so don't get discouraged!
On another note, when you pitch this on twitter, keep your category/genre and hashtag to the end. Start with your pitch, always. :)
I had to read this three times to keep names straight. Maybe try to make the triangle more obvious? And please tell me how the soul stealing is happening? I know 140 characters isn't much. :( Love that you chose a fox as the soul holder!
DeleteA car accident sends max's soul into his spirit animal, white fox and he must get back to save his love's soul or die trying YA #baitpitch
DeleteMuch better! One little edit for length and clarity--
DeleteA car accident sends max's soul into his spirit animal, a white fox. He must get back to save his love's soul or die trying YA #baitpitch
Thanks :) I was just making sure it fit lol.
DeleteSounds like a cool concept! It might not prevent me from asking for pages (if I were an agent, and I'm not), but I'm curious as to what you mean by "paradise"? Heaven? Eden? Something from a non-Christian religion? A dream world? It kind of gives me a paranormal vibe too, but you're pitching as contemp. I love your second sentence so much, but the first is kind of half intriguing and half confusing, if that makes sense?
ReplyDeleteGoood morning! Here's the pitch. Do your worst. :)
ReplyDeleteRunning from a disease that could leave her blind by 25, 17-y/o Imogen risks her life to follow her dream of chasing storms. YA/C #BaitPitch
Oh and because I don't follow rules-
DeleteName: Phil Stamper
Genre: YA/Contemporary
Title: STORM CHASER
I think the concept is great. Maybe you could switch it around to give it more oomph.
Delete17-y/o Imogen risks her life to follow her dream of chasing storms, despite the disease that could leave her blind by 25. YA/C #BaitPitch
Am I allowed to say that this sounds awesome, and I think it would get requests as is? ;)
DeleteInteresting premise and I would love to read this! But I want to know how one runs from a disease? Is it a pandemic? I think swapping the parts around like empirenevadathenovel suggested would make it flow better.
DeleteName: Frank Anderson
ReplyDeleteGenre: YA/Contemporary
Title: EMPIRE, NEVADA
YA while trying to come to terms with the closing of his town, Paul struggles to find happiness in his new life w/o his friends. #BaitPitch
Hi Frank. I think you've got good clarity on what I suspect is the opening premise of the novel (I.e. Mill/factory town dying & family moving on), but I suspect the heart of the story is in his new life. He's w/o his old friends, but what else about the new life shapes his story (person? Love? Dog? Hobby? Job? School?). I think if you can point me there with the pitch, I'd be more drawn in. I'd also shift the YA to the end just to make clear it's not the start of your sentence. Good luck!
DeleteAnother interesting premise! This pitch feels a little wordy and doesn't have enough tension/ obvious stakes. Why is town closing? Has he left yet and where did he go?
DeleteI like how you put coming to terms with losing his town I just feel the stakes at hand is it only his happiness?
DeleteThanks for the notes. I've got another that shows the stakes a bit more. The big thing about him being happy is that his mother committed suicide due to her depression, and Paul is slipping into that same depression. Hard to get all that in.
DeleteAs Paul's town dies w/the factory closing & everyone moves, he must find a way 2 b happy w/his new life b4 depression wins. YA #BaitPitch
I like the 'depression' bit in the second one. I would cut out '& everyone moves' since that's implied when a town dies. Then you'd be able to spell out your words. So, does he battle with depression?
DeleteI like the detail in the second pitch, but using "w/" to mean both "when" and "with" is confusing. For that reason I prefer the first. There isn't much detail, but the first one draws me in by making me question why the town is closing, and why he's struggling to find happiness.
DeleteThe depression detail helps it for me. Could you get more free letters if you played with the start, ie When the death of a factory kills his town...
DeleteName: EG Moore
ReplyDeleteGenre: MG Contemporary
Working Title: Dom Sander's Adventures
12yo Dom wants to keep witnessed cop's murder by illegal marijuana grower hush. But then rap-sheeted bully becomes suspect. (MG/C)#BaitPitch
This sounds like a fast-paced read with an unusual premise, but the 1st line was a little confusing for me. Did Don witness the cop's murder? If so, why would he keep quiet (ie is he pro-drug dealer or scared?). I'm guessing that he has to come forward to prevent the bully from being wrongly accused, but (if that's right) it took me a while to get that. Maybe play with it a bit to see if you can make these ideas clearer. If the heart of the story is choosing to do the right thing, even if it means standing up for your enemy, let me see it here. Good luck!
DeleteI think you might be trying to fit too much in and therefore it is not clear. Does Dom witness the murder? And who is the bully? It sounds like you're trying to introduce us to 4? characters in this one tiny sentence. It sounds like it's an exciting story!
DeleteTry #2
Delete#baitandpitch (MG/C) 12yo Dom witnesses cop's murder & is scared to silence. When rap-sheeted bully becomes suspect no. 1, will he testify?
I like this better. One question for the end, is it important the bully has a rap sheet or that he targets Dom? Depending on the story, you might play with that piece. Good luck!
DeleteI like how you put come to terms with his town closing yet I don't get a feel of what's really at stake, is it only his happiness?
ReplyDeleteName: Shawn Ingram
ReplyDeleteGenre: YA/Contemporary
Title: RIGHT HERE WAITING FOR YOU
#BaitAndPitch YA/C Abandoned by her best friend, Kat learns to deal with her mother’s death thanks to her first girlfriend and old friends.
Is this story about a teenage girl who gets through the death of her mother with help from her friends? Sounds like a good emotional one!
DeleteHer friends and her girlfriend, yeah, that's the idea. There's also the matter of coming out, but that's not really the focus of the story, so it didn't make its way into the Twitter pitch.
DeleteI agree this has potential to be a great emotional ride, and based on all the recent diverse books chatter, I think you've hit a need in the market (go you!). I wonder about the first clause- why is she abandoned? Is it related to her sexual orientation? to her grief? I think a hint in that direction might pull the reader in more.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteShari Schwarz
ReplyDeleteMG/Adventure
THE LEDGE
While backpacking, teenage brothers endure the wilderness and a near-death experience (NDE) that unravels a family secret. #baitandpitch MG
Hi! I read your entry for the writers voice. Isn't there a family cabin involved? If so is that important to family secret?
DeleteI remember this from NestPitch! I think we get a good sense of setting and overall theme from this, but I think you can free up some letters here and add more detail. You could probably open with "Teen brothers backpacking in the wilderness face a near-death experience..." Teen works as well as teenage with three fewer letters, and you don't need to mention (NDE) in your pitch since we've already got the full version. Maybe use the extra characters to add something more in the way of stakes or tension (I mean, an NDE already implies that survival will be a stake, but maybe something about family tension because of the secret?)
DeleteThanks Emily and Kimberly for the feedback! Great tips. The cabin's not that important. I found out from beta-readers of my query and pitches who know nothing of my book, sometimes don't know that a near-death experience is an NDE. One guy commented and said, "Why does the near-death experience make this story special? Every adventure book has a near death experience." He didn't realize that I meant a realistic look at a journey into the afterlife. So, now when I do put NDE, some people think it's unnecessary. If I don't put it in, some people don't get it. Does that make sense?
DeleteAhhh, okay. I'm the opposite... I wouldn't have known what an NDE was without the "translation." ;)
DeleteYou could just call it a coma? That's much shorter, and no room for misunderstanding.
You can be in a coma without an NDE though. It's complicated! :) Thanks for brainstorming with me!
DeleteNAME: The Wicked Pitch of the East
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: YA/Fantasy
RA Little
YA SpecFic
THE TIMEKEEPER TRIALS
PITCH: Elise needs strength, intelligence, and instincts to learn to travel back in time and become a strong and selfless leader. #BaitPitch YA/SpF
Interesting idea...but I don't know what the stakes are. See if you can give us the stakes in here to ramp up the tension.
DeleteThanks for the critiques! Just realized I copied and pasted incorrectly last time doing it on mobile. Oops! Here's another version:
DeleteRA Little
YA SpecFic
THE TIMEKEEPER TRIALS
PITCH: If Elise can withstand the trials of time travel she becomes the new Queen, but can she handle Court life and competition? #BaitPitch YA/SpF
I'm not sure I'm getting the story here...the new Queen of what? I think you should try to add that in if you can. Also, try not to end with a question...too easy to answer 'no' and move on. I'd like to know, again, Queen of what and what's at stake if she doesn't become the new queen?
DeleteRA Little
DeleteYA SpecFic
THE TIMEKEEPER TRIALS
PITCH: If Elise can withstand the trials of time travel and court life, she becomes the Timekeeper Queen of last people on earth. #BaitPitch YA/SpF
YA Time travel sounds fun, and I like the title (I'm imagining a competition of some kind), but I'm not sure from the pitch why she has to travel back in time? Why must she lead? If you can hint, I'd be more excited to see Elise use her positive qualities.
ReplyDeleteNAME: Kel Heinen
ReplyDeleteCATEGORY/GENRE: Adult/Contemp LGBT Romance
TITLE: RESCUE ME
PITCH: #BaitPitch LGBTContemp Jimmy’s offhis psychmeds and making Coby regret 'I do'. A mental breakdown, a public assault…he should've said 'I don't'.
Your last line's a great tag, and I'd want to read more just based on this! Kind of nitpicky, but I don't love the lack of spaces between "offhis" and "psychmeds," and I think you can fix that easily. Since you mention a mental breakdown, we can assume they're psych meds... so I'd just say "off his meds" Either that, or you could say: "Jimmy's off his psych meds; Coby's regretting 'I do.'" Or do both, and add another detail if there's something else you wanted to add that wouldn't fit. :)
DeleteI love seeing so much more LGBT literary works! I agree with kimberlyito that having both "I do" and "I don't" is redundant.
Delete