tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post1725658045327530610..comments2024-02-24T03:53:59.980-05:00Comments on Left to Write: Bait and Pitch Week 3: Twitter Pitches!Dannie Morinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13615179669635228979noreply@blogger.comBlogger58125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-58516855539915367782014-05-12T12:52:15.187-04:002014-05-12T12:52:15.187-04:00RA Little
YA SpecFic
THE TIMEKEEPER TRIALS
PITCH:...RA Little<br />YA SpecFic<br />THE TIMEKEEPER TRIALS<br /><br />PITCH: If Elise can withstand the trials of time travel and court life, she becomes the Timekeeper Queen of last people on earth. #BaitPitch YA/SpFRA Littlehttp://www.twitter.com/MrsRALittlenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-62294062826192324372014-05-09T16:09:33.312-04:002014-05-09T16:09:33.312-04:00I'm not sure I'm getting the story here......I'm not sure I'm getting the story here...the new Queen of what? I think you should try to add that in if you can. Also, try not to end with a question...too easy to answer 'no' and move on. I'd like to know, again, Queen of what and what's at stake if she doesn't become the new queen?Aightballhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10706831888613374173noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-80113390038305254502014-05-09T15:45:09.685-04:002014-05-09T15:45:09.685-04:00Thanks for the critiques! Just realized I copied a...Thanks for the critiques! Just realized I copied and pasted incorrectly last time doing it on mobile. Oops! Here's another version:<br /><br />RA Little<br />YA SpecFic<br />THE TIMEKEEPER TRIALS<br /><br />PITCH: If Elise can withstand the trials of time travel she becomes the new Queen, but can she handle Court life and competition? #BaitPitch YA/SpFRA Littlehttp://twitter.com/MrsRALittlenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-86902128368380544462014-05-09T15:38:17.867-04:002014-05-09T15:38:17.867-04:00I love seeing so much more LGBT literary works! I ...I love seeing so much more LGBT literary works! I agree with kimberlyito that having both "I do" and "I don't" is redundant. RA Littlehttp://rachelannelittle.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-11623772773812153632014-05-09T14:31:38.480-04:002014-05-09T14:31:38.480-04:00You can be in a coma without an NDE though. It'...You can be in a coma without an NDE though. It's complicated! :) Thanks for brainstorming with me!Shari Schwarzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03638002520541246382noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-25291347083787669862014-05-09T10:44:20.464-04:002014-05-09T10:44:20.464-04:00I like this the best so far! The only thing I'...I like this the best so far! The only thing I'd like to see more of is the MC's obstacles, or antagonist if there is one... WHY is it so hard to find him? What's standing in her way? It might be hard to do more of that in a Twitter pitch, and I do think this will get some interest as is, but if you can think of a way to do it.<br /><br />I'd drop the "dash" too... just comes off as a hyphen as you've got it, and a space works just as well.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-25095209583262237702014-05-09T06:50:18.925-04:002014-05-09T06:50:18.925-04:00Ahhh, okay. I'm the opposite... I wouldn'...Ahhh, okay. I'm the opposite... I wouldn't have known what an NDE was without the "translation." ;)<br /><br />You could just call it a coma? That's much shorter, and no room for misunderstanding.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-10500905522175680842014-05-09T06:48:41.292-04:002014-05-09T06:48:41.292-04:00Your last line's a great tag, and I'd want...Your last line's a great tag, and I'd want to read more just based on this! Kind of nitpicky, but I don't love the lack of spaces between "offhis" and "psychmeds," and I think you can fix that easily. Since you mention a mental breakdown, we can assume they're psych meds... so I'd just say "off his meds" Either that, or you could say: "Jimmy's off his psych meds; Coby's regretting 'I do.'" Or do both, and add another detail if there's something else you wanted to add that wouldn't fit. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-42469116177812433762014-05-08T23:02:00.113-04:002014-05-08T23:02:00.113-04:00I'd drop the - in "find him-in the real w...I'd drop the - in "find him-in the real world". It saves one character, but that's always good. I think this is better than where you started but it still feels a little vague to me. I think, for me personally, I'd like a little more about the Eden part...maybe you can shorten that part a little> Met THE guy in mysterious Eden [more about eden] then give us the end?Aightballhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10706831888613374173noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-51385357200198771282014-05-08T22:53:42.066-04:002014-05-08T22:53:42.066-04:00Interesting idea...but I don't know what the s...Interesting idea...but I don't know what the stakes are. See if you can give us the stakes in here to ramp up the tension. Aightballhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10706831888613374173noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-168882616778862302014-05-08T22:52:48.249-04:002014-05-08T22:52:48.249-04:00NAME: Kel Heinen
CATEGORY/GENRE: Adult/Contemp LG... NAME: Kel Heinen<br /><br />CATEGORY/GENRE: Adult/Contemp LGBT Romance<br /><br />TITLE: RESCUE ME<br /><br />PITCH: #BaitPitch LGBTContemp Jimmy’s offhis psychmeds and making Coby regret 'I do'. A mental breakdown, a public assault…he should've said 'I don't'. <br />Aightballhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10706831888613374173noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-68272409979979330262014-05-08T21:46:07.903-04:002014-05-08T21:46:07.903-04:00YA Time travel sounds fun, and I like the title (I...YA Time travel sounds fun, and I like the title (I'm imagining a competition of some kind), but I'm not sure from the pitch why she has to travel back in time? Why must she lead? If you can hint, I'd be more excited to see Elise use her positive qualities. Geni Phttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06387805161005778258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-3325898855814742812014-05-08T21:18:59.537-04:002014-05-08T21:18:59.537-04:00NAME: The Wicked Pitch of the East
CATEGORY/GENRE...NAME: The Wicked Pitch of the East<br /><br />CATEGORY/GENRE: YA/Fantasy<br /><br />RA Little<br />YA SpecFic<br />THE TIMEKEEPER TRIALS<br /><br />PITCH: Elise needs strength, intelligence, and instincts to learn to travel back in time and become a strong and selfless leader. #BaitPitch YA/SpF RA Littlehttp://rachelannelittle.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-46132760303863736232014-05-08T20:59:38.501-04:002014-05-08T20:59:38.501-04:00I agree this has potential to be a great emotional...I agree this has potential to be a great emotional ride, and based on all the recent diverse books chatter, I think you've hit a need in the market (go you!). I wonder about the first clause- why is she abandoned? Is it related to her sexual orientation? to her grief? I think a hint in that direction might pull the reader in more. Geni Phttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06387805161005778258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-69808865418797443022014-05-08T20:57:08.234-04:002014-05-08T20:57:08.234-04:00Ok, in case anyone's still out there, one more...Ok, in case anyone's still out there, one more try (and THANK YOU for all the feedback so far!!) <br />Round 3: <br /> <br />Meeting THE guy in a mysterious Eden is perfect, almost. To have a shot with him, Lucy must find him-in the real world. #BaitPitch YA/ContFaGeni Phttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06387805161005778258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-57515719009502693312014-05-08T20:52:55.713-04:002014-05-08T20:52:55.713-04:00Thanks Emily and Kimberly for the feedback! Great ...Thanks Emily and Kimberly for the feedback! Great tips. The cabin's not that important. I found out from beta-readers of my query and pitches who know nothing of my book, sometimes don't know that a near-death experience is an NDE. One guy commented and said, "Why does the near-death experience make this story special? Every adventure book has a near death experience." He didn't realize that I meant a realistic look at a journey into the afterlife. So, now when I do put NDE, some people think it's unnecessary. If I don't put it in, some people don't get it. Does that make sense?Shari Schwarzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03638002520541246382noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-66572650084916016802014-05-08T20:32:50.513-04:002014-05-08T20:32:50.513-04:00Also, apologies! I read "ContF" as &quo...Also, apologies! I read "ContF" as "Contemporary Fiction" for some reason, and you obviously meant fantasy. *face/palm* Sorry about that, the confusion over the fantastical elements was my fault!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-6465666562453204222014-05-08T20:30:47.207-04:002014-05-08T20:30:47.207-04:00I like this much better... one thing you could do ...I like this much better... one thing you could do to free up some more characters and add more detail is to drop "but not real." Since you say "in the real world" in the next sentence, it's redundant. Maybe those characters could be used to either describe Eden a little more or clarify "or lose him"?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-52795436528762706612014-05-08T20:27:15.379-04:002014-05-08T20:27:15.379-04:00I remember this from NestPitch! I think we get a ...I remember this from NestPitch! I think we get a good sense of setting and overall theme from this, but I think you can free up some letters here and add more detail. You could probably open with "Teen brothers backpacking in the wilderness face a near-death experience..." Teen works as well as teenage with three fewer letters, and you don't need to mention (NDE) in your pitch since we've already got the full version. Maybe use the extra characters to add something more in the way of stakes or tension (I mean, an NDE already implies that survival will be a stake, but maybe something about family tension because of the secret?)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-29866686417338396202014-05-08T18:37:59.295-04:002014-05-08T18:37:59.295-04:00I like this better. One question for the end, is ...I like this better. One question for the end, is it important the bully has a rap sheet or that he targets Dom? Depending on the story, you might play with that piece. Good luck!Geni Phttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06387805161005778258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-32107412311285386202014-05-08T18:35:44.911-04:002014-05-08T18:35:44.911-04:00The depression detail helps it for me. Could you ...The depression detail helps it for me. Could you get more free letters if you played with the start, ie When the death of a factory kills his town... Geni Phttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06387805161005778258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-46937249561575923392014-05-08T16:37:57.138-04:002014-05-08T16:37:57.138-04:00Hi! I read your entry for the writers voice. Isn&#...Hi! I read your entry for the writers voice. Isn't there a family cabin involved? If so is that important to family secret?E.G. Moorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16153333964618890260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-41635604025330378072014-05-08T16:33:26.087-04:002014-05-08T16:33:26.087-04:00Try #2
#baitandpitch (MG/C) 12yo Dom witnesses co...Try #2<br /><br />#baitandpitch (MG/C) 12yo Dom witnesses cop's murder & is scared to silence. When rap-sheeted bully becomes suspect no. 1, will he testify?E.G. Moorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16153333964618890260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-78039439616614810732014-05-08T16:30:43.334-04:002014-05-08T16:30:43.334-04:00I like the detail in the second pitch, but using &...I like the detail in the second pitch, but using "w/" to mean both "when" and "with" is confusing. For that reason I prefer the first. There isn't much detail, but the first one draws me in by making me question why the town is closing, and why he's struggling to find happiness.Shawn Ingramhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11461474934957798449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4356733121060620183.post-46164798145126401462014-05-08T16:27:01.154-04:002014-05-08T16:27:01.154-04:00Her friends and her girlfriend, yeah, that's t...Her friends and her girlfriend, yeah, that's the idea. There's also the matter of coming out, but that's not really the focus of the story, so it didn't make its way into the Twitter pitch.Shawn Ingramhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11461474934957798449noreply@blogger.com